#12 - For-tuned In

I’ve had a pretty spiritual morning as I begin writing this blog.  I have done devotionals, prayer, and started wrapping my mind around what happened this past Monday in correlation with the last two weeks.  I’ve been in a posture of adjustment as I am positively settling into a new season of my life.  Change is never easy for anyone and as someone that has experienced such drastic changes in 40 years…I’d like to share words from a meme I came across on Facebook:  “If you were born in the 80’s, raised in the 90’s and made it to 2025 you have lived in 5 different decades, 2 centuries, 2 different millennia, and you’re not even 50 yet.”  I am in this extraordinary bracket of “Xennials” (the very tiny generational gap between being raised as a Gen X-er and growing up as a Millennial) who have also clearly experienced a lot of change in a short amount of time…so as I realize I am not alone in that…our personal experiences aside from time also bring us change.  Even though our positions in life change like algorhythms…God is infinitely constant…and we can always count on that.  The active thought process and meditations on the fact that God is omnipresent and constant continued to help me in the midst of change.  Change isn’t easy…but loving God is…especially for His obedient children that want to honor and please Him with all they are…because He made us what we are.  We are made to glorify Jesus as we were given new life and we know this to be true because Corinthians 2 5:17 (CSB) states, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”  A change took place and yet God’s word was constant…and that my friends solidified how I have managed to get through so much change (and even still navigating change as well).  MGST and I like to frequently use the phrase, “I got your 6.”  If you don’t  know what that means, Pierce County Council gives some pretty cool information on this: “...the phrase “I’ve got your six”—(is) a saying that originated with American fighter pilots during World War I. In aerial combat, pilots used the positions of an analog clock to indicate direction, with 12 o’clock meaning straight ahead and 6 o’clock directly behind. A pilot’s “six” represented a vulnerable spot where an enemy might try to attack. By pledging to “have their six,” a wingman signaled they would stay vigilant, defending their partner against unseen threats.  Today, the phrase is used in the military as a symbol of the loyalty and cooperation found in the military community, and in broad terms, it means, ‘I’ve got your back,” which goes beyond the battlefield and even the uniform.”  (Pierce County "I Got Your 6 Hx.".)  Law enforcement also uses terminology like this so it’s not far-fetched to say this in our household to let the other know that we support each other out of love.  I feel we are able to support and love one another as we do because we are given that love and support from Abba and let me tell you…that triangular relationship slaps differently when you fully walk in it.  So we know that if we “have each other’s 6’s” through life’s changes…God has us even more so because He got us to here and now.  I am going to end this paragraph on purpose with a fact that will be relevant later on down the line of this blog so “put a pin in it” because it is pivotal.  MGST and I LOVE cooking together but one particular night we decided that we wanted to eat out (we don’t do that often because we enjoy cooking together).  So together we decided to get Panda Express (that Beijing Beef though-YUMMM!!!) delivered to us and of course with Panda Express you get fortune cookies.  We happened to have an abundant amount of fortune cookies left over (which the kids are fascinated with of course) and helped us out by eating some.  2-3 weeks after MGST and I had ordered Panda Express …”C” came to visit.  

This past weekend I had the opportunity to meet MGST’s best friend; for privacy purposes, we will call him “C”.  C drove 3-ish hours to come stay with us for a couple days which was healthy for him seeing as he is going through a lot in his life right now (if you have time, please pray for him and his family - God knows who he is even if you don’t - it’s your heart and willingness to pray that matters) and he happened to be on vacation at a time where our schedules all aligned.  After C got settled in we talked about his life and how he had collegiate music scholarships, played violin, and played piano.  He also went on to tell me that his father had been a professional musician as C was growing up.  Unfortunately, C doesn’t practice music anymore because his schedule doesn’t allow him time to practice.  So all of this information was given to me on night 1 of C’s visit.  I began to explain to C about some of my own experiences with music which if I am being honest…I have always been reluctant to talk about…but why?

The answers came too easily for me…out of fear, what no longer exists (a past event in my life), and the overwhelming extent of depth that divine musical connection brings to my spirit.  For me…music has ALWAYS been such a spiritual way to connect with Abba and denying that method of connection to Him for so long, forgetting music theory along the way, and holding onto deep hurt…made the grudge feel worse and created unnecessary distance.  Despite my repentance and process of sanctification, I still lacked the will to dig back into that method of connection with Him because I have felt consistently blocked and oppressed which caused feelings of being ecosystemically overwhelmed when I actually would try to musically connect.  I feel I also neglected that connection when I should have relied on it…and even though I have repented…I have still felt hurt in my life regarding it…because I have carried a deep hurt…and a grudge from a memory that more than likely…no one else remembers but me.  So I am going to do my part with Jesus to take away the enemy’s power by writing the story I told to C the other night…and openly let go of a grudge I have carried for 24 years.  So I am going to back up a couple decades before carrying on this story.

In proper “golden” fashion…let me go “Golden Girls - Sophia” on you for a bit down this  memory lane:  Picture it…2001…all the Y2K aesthetics all around people wearing low-rise and bootcut jeans, fitted Von Dutch trucker hats, crop tops, straight sleek glossed over flat ironed hair with chunky hilites, spiky hair, Alicia Keys was “Fallin” with the song of the year, Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring had cinema in the “baggins”, Shrek’s $267 million layers were peeled back, and oddly enough upon all this nostalgia that I literally just researched for this blog…blogging began to gain mainstream traction (here I am 24 years later actually doing it in dedication for Abba’s kingdom!).  No coincidences with God…right?  What a fun fact to learn! 

Anyways, I was in 10th grade in 2001 and as I had previously written about…going from the hood to a town full of wealthy white people and Amish at the time was a culture shock to me…I am going to add to that…I always felt like the odd one out since I had arrived in 7th grade due to how much I had gotten picked on and just stuffed those experiences down for so many years (Parenthesis Rabbit Hole:  One of my main bullies actually contacted me in my 20’s to apologize to me because he was in the process of becoming a pastor and I thought that was really cool.  Oddly enough he would often pick on me for my flat ironed hair with chunky hilites I was wearing even before it was trending all thanks to my cool mom but of course bullies fear what they don’t understand and typically they don’t understand or fear “different”.).  I had played flute from the end of 3rd grade to the start of 9th grade where I decided to drop out of band to do choir.  Our high school had just gotten a new choir teacher I heard was “good” but “strict” which both seemed like positive elements at the time. To put a name to the choir teacher we will call her Ms. A.  I am going to go full on nerd here…Ms. A…looked like a beautiful World of Warcraft Blood Elf (IYKYK); she had fair freckled skin (though I think she may have tanned), peridot eyes, bobbed fiery hair, with a slender figure and height to match.  Ms. A’s knowledge of music matched her beauty and I gained a lot from her and carried a lot from her as well.  (Parenthesis Rabbit Hole:  Ms. A is also known to one of the elders at my home church because her daughter’s had negative experiences with her as well.) 

I decided in 2001 that I was going to audition for our high school’s Christmas concert which was always a big deal in our town because our music arts auditorium held a hefty amount of people and we spanned the event over a 3-4 day period which meant multiple of the same performances so rehearsal was imperative (this is where the picture in the fortune cookie came in on this week’s blog graphic).  I ended up having a very successful audition which gave me a new found confidence because at the end of the audition, Ms. A was actually complimentary enough to say, “Your voice range reminds me of Mariah Carey’s.”  I am going to reiterate here “voice range” not voice.  It felt good to receive such a compliment coming from someone I looked up to and simultaneously feared at the same time because she was indeed strict, picky, and downright scary at times if you got off on the wrong note with her (pun intended)…which I typically avoided.  Ms. A told me to pick the song that I wanted to perform at the concert and it was automatically a “no brainer”...I wanted to sing my favorite Christmas song, “O Holy Night”.  Ms. A gave me a guitarist to accompany me and we will call him “TW”.  TW and I practiced “O Holy Night” A LOT to avoid Ms. A’s wrath but mainly because we enjoyed and appreciated music individually and as a newfound duet!!!  One of my favorite things in life is to play or sing music with others; though I understand there is a time and place to praise Abba alone as well.  So anyways, in the midst of high school homework, social life, church, worship team, and rehearsals…my home life became interesting when I decided to finally tell my mom (I didn’t tell her right away on purpose to be honest…that will come into play shortly) about the musical opportunity for the Christmas concert.  She was proud and ecstatic and so it felt like I had done something right in the midst of consistently feeling wrong (being picked on at school).  I had told her that I was singing “O Holy Night” and she asked me during a car ride one cloudy midwest Autumn evening, “Did you choose that or did your choir teacher choose that song?”  I said, “I did.”  She said, “Kels, NO!  You should do “Mary Did You Know?”!  I’ll even buy you the music for it and everything!”  I quickly responded, “I don’t want to do that song, I want to do “O Holy Night.” A relentless battle had ensued.  Not only had I been rehearsing this song with TW but we had more time to rehearse prior to when the battle had begun…unfortunately…it carried on for weeks and inevitably would end with me raising a white flag for the unconditional love I have for my Mom and wanting to make her proud (despite fighting what she wanted for the obvious reasons above). So raising the white flag for me…meant I needed to bring the new plan to Ms. A which could have been an issue (truthfully I didn’t even bring the battle between my Mom and I up to her because Ms. A was a “no excuse” kind of teacher and not only that I was choosing to change a portion of the planned show up because I love my Mom so taking responsibility was a must despite any external pressure).  Ms. A’s face seemed very perplexed before she said, “Fine, but you better have it prepared before the concert.”  It was a clear warning…no pressure…right?  After getting it approved with Ms. A…I had to reach out to TW and tell him the new plan and he too was very apprehensive but he rolled with it nonetheless like a champ (he was always very kind and easy going).  So my Mom got us the music and TW and I practiced in between high school, home life, and seasonal life before the concert but it didn’t leave us much time; we were cutting it close and we knew it.  The timing changed because it got closer to the concert and the semester was ending, finals were happening, and the closer it got to the concert…the more difficult for us to practice.  So the night of the first show, the music arts auditorium was packed (we all expected nothing less because family members came in from out of town for the holidays).  I wasn’t overly nervous to be honest because I did my best to keep  Ms. A’s compliment from my audition in the pocket of my heart; if I could receive such a wonderful compliment from her…surely I got this.  Successful song after song and act after act the show carried on until eventually…TW and I hop on stage to perform and I felt as ready as I could be for the timing of it all to come together to that very moment.  Things started off amazing…TW’s beautifully symphonic guitar playing harmonizing with my ranged melodic vocals echoed Christmas spirit throughout the auditorium as the audience’s attention was uninterrupted.  What kind of redemption story would this be if there wasn’t more though…right?  As things seemed to be going well, the musical flow was interrupted…second verse…I forgot the words.  I looked over to TW in shock and he quickly got me back on track.  Simultaneously as quickly as I got back on track thanks to TW…I also knew I had messed up…which meant by then.. so did Ms. A…I was already dreading getting off stage to face her.  TW and I finished  out the song and as I got beyond the curtain post-performance Ms. A’s face was full of anger and she said nothing but the following:  “Can you HANDLE this?!” and with the word “handle” emphasized in her sentence the pointy fingertips of her hands bilaterally thwarted into the area of where my chest and shoulders meet as I was shoved back.  I instantly replied in defeat and yet tried to carry hope in my voice with, “Yes I can.”  despite feeling like I couldn’t after being shoved.  I did fine for the rest of the performances for the concert…but I had always regretted changing the song until writing this to be honest.  I have carried this grudge with me for 24 years and through faith I have seen God’s light on how to fight the enemy’s interference with my gift and remove the grudges involved which I will elaborate on later in this blog.  Right here, right now…openly…I am forgiving Ms. A for her lack of grace, her perfectionism, her anger, and shoving me.  My Mom may not even know this but I need to forgive her too because I KNOW we have talked about this story through the years and I am pretty sure I told her I had forgiven her but I hadn’t because I wasn’t walking with Jesus the way I am now…so I am openly forgiving her for myself not out of any wrong-doing.  Mom, I am sorry for lying to you about forgiving you as I previously thought I would be “helping you feel better” with all of this.  I am openly asking for forgiveness from you for unnecessarily holding on to all of this and lying to you. even if I didn’t previously understand what forgiveness meant but it is no excuse….I love you Mom.  I believe one can’t truly understand forgiveness or grace until one realizes what it truly means to be forgiven and given grace and all of it is possible because of Jesus’s love and sacrifice for us.  I understand forgiveness and grace now more than ever because I see things from a repentant, sanctified. and loving perspective.  I can only hope and pray that whoever is reading this here and now…understands the magnitude of such a beautiful experience to be able to walk in Holy Spirit, with Jesus, and be loved by God.

How does this all tie together with C’s visit this last week?  After he told me about his musical experiences in his life, I shared the above story with him and quickly realized I needed to fully process it…but why after 24 years?  I am fed up…I love God…I love music and I feel blocked and it’s only a block that Jesus is able to free me of; the grudges I was holding on to quite frankly have been interfering with my God given musical and vocal gifts and divine connection with Him.  So, on the second day of C’s visit MGST’s friends and I were hanging out and watching the movie “Kraven” based on the Marvel Comic character.  Potential spoiler alert here but there’s a scene where a young man owns a club that he’s beautifully performing a cover of the song “Sign of the Times” by Harry Styles.  I hadn’t heard that song since 2017 when it came out and I remember my daughter liking the song as well so it instantly had nostalgia attached to it!  I spoke out loud, “Whoa!  I haven’t heard this song in ages!  I want to learn this now!”  Longingly I knew I would need to practice…but have always felt a block despite following through and doing it frequently.  I paused before I spoke again and then quickly and candidly blurted out to everyone, “You know…I just feel I need  more confidence with music and vocals.  I just don’t know how to accomplish that.”   MGST AND C both gave me a perplexed look and MGST said, “Are you serious right now?  I hear you practice and you sound great!”  C said, “You serenaded me the other night and sounded really good!”  Meanwhile, in the depths of my mind, I feel when people compliment me that they are placating me out of kindness because ultimately I have felt that I don’t deserve to be complimented regarding music after feeling the shame and guilt from 24 years ago.  I knew what I needed to do but I also needed some time to make a plan to raise this up to Jesus for healing.  Meanwhile the movie continued with MGST and friends, I had a lot on my mind and I needed to get up and get a bottle of water.  When I went to lie back down…I went to wedge my water bottle in the crease of the couch by my head in case I wanted easy access to it and I noticed a piece of paper in the crack of the couch…a fortune cookie paper that said, “You have every reason to be confident.” from Panda Express.  I was shocked and said, “YOU GUYS ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!”  I showed everyone the fortune cookie paper and I saw the eyes of everyone that read it grow wide.  Neither MGST or myself remember getting that particular fortune cookie paper…so I wonder if one of the kids may have placed it in the crack of the couch…but regardless…I find it NO CONCIDENCE that I am writing about all of this here and now and how it came full circle…I truly believe this was God’s humorous timing involved here.

Days later I carried out my plan to give this all to Jesus for healing with quality quiet time, prayer, devotionals, practicing piano and vocals at home, and listening to what Holy Spirit was trying to say to me in the solitude of home.  “Holding onto grudges IS SPIRITUAL CANCER.”  It spreads within our ecosystems. Spiritual cancer (AKA grudges) can spread from one ecosystem to another as well as create stagnancy in them as well which in my opinion is a disease too so if you combine stagnancy with spiritual cancer…you have ecosystemic comorbidities.  To reiterate from past blogs what ecosystemic means:  physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  Your ecosystems are connected and any positivity or negativity in them can cross over.  This means…if there is a positive consequence (like working out) it will cross over ecosystemically (we don’t see results right away from working out-it’s a long game).  If there is a negative consequence it will bleed over…and the long-term grudges bled over for 24 years.  As I was meditating on what Holy Spirit was showing me…it made sense:  I have practiced vocals and music at home.  I have practiced vocals with instructors.  I have auditioned for vocals for worship team.  Allow me to tell you…things quickly came full circle…a cancerous grudge held for 24 years was literally being heard through my nervous voice when I would practice and audition because my confidence was so deeply rocked.  My humility went the opposite way so I had NO self-esteem.  Last year, I specifically remember bombing my first vocal audition for the worship team because one piece of immediate feedback I got was “nerves kill notes every time”.  It couldn’t have been more true even if I didn’t want to hear it at the time and on top of it all…despite knowing the truth behind that…I am able to positively add it to processing all of this.  Another important thing I have realized as I am processing all of this…as my self esteem was knocked down after the 2021 Christmas Concert…the level of humility was imbalanced.  Balancing self-esteem and humility with God’s truth and faith in Jesus is vital.  When we are an open vessel for God…and walking with Jesus…and being obedient to Holy Spirit…you and I don’t have to worry about the past, perfectionism, or performance…but the real kicker is…it’s good to know that you’re on track and where you need improvement which is a balance and that means having humility is important…pride has no place in God’s gifts or blessings upon us. 

Ultimately I realized, I don’t need acceptance or to be complimented because it is NOT BY MY WORKS (even this blog - I am just an open vessel to Abba) that I am able to play keys and strings by ear or to have the extraordinary vocals that I do.  I can biblically back this up with God’s truth as Ephesians 2:8-9 (CSB) states, “For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift—not from works, so that no one can boast.”  Even though I didn’t have issues with boasting…holding onto a spiritually damaging grudge is taking power into my hands…when Jesus already won big and small battles for all of us with HIS grace. Meanwhile, choosing to allow the enemy to deteriorate my self-esteem was also allowing defeat…and I am FED UP with that, friends…so I am going to do what the enemy is going to hate…I am going to worship Abba and sing His praises like never before.  I will gain confidence through God’s biblical truth and share another scripture:  Ephesians 2:10 (CSB) “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do.” I will be making it a point to do good works for Jesus (especially musically), intentionally practice music and vocals on my own without stagnancy or spiritual cancer, all while KNOWING God prepared me ahead of time to relentlessly and fearlessly praise and worship Him.  I am free in the name of my loving Abba, His Only Son Jesus Christ leading me, and Holy Spirit guiding me.  

For The Holy Trinity always “having my 6”, the “sign of the times” to utilize God’s wisdom instilled within me, the internal knowledge to play instruments by ear, for the opportunity to sing God’s praises, to have the ability to listen to music, to have the resources to practice music, for God’s beautiful timing (that fortune cookie though), for fellowship with friends, for Jesus’s victory over battles big and small, and for the Philippians 4:13 (NKJV) life where “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”...I am…

#Satisfied