#22 - God Given Tomor-rose

After a two week rest…I have finally been led on what to write this week. This  particular blog is going back to the roots of, “There are no coincidences with God.”.  This blog is one of many 100% true miraculous testimonies…so please intentionally read until the end…because the plot twist is riveting.

Last year…I began this blog out of obedience…you see…I  had a Brandon Lake “Gratitude” moment where all that I had was a “hallelujah” so I chose to lean into a calling from Holy Spirit  that would inevitably transform my dark secrets into testimonies of God’s light.   Not only has Jesus freed me…but the obedience of writing this blog has also freed me the way Abba intended it to…it has drawn me closer to God because in seasons of evangelism…I deep dive into God’s word and I learn a lot…I get spiritually fed in ways I wouldn’t have if I chose to be disobedient.   I was able to face a past I disassociated in by writing difficult blogs about my past romantic relationships that were  full of pain, complexities, confusion, abuse, guilt, shame, scandals, and mistakes…and realizing that I had a serious problem with codependency.  Things only got worse after my second marriage in my mid 20’s because love became exhausting and overwhelming as more of the “impossible” happened after all I had been through. I easily disassociated and in turn I couldn’t care for myself emotionally which means I couldn’t fully care for anyone else I dated.  Instead…I tried so hard to care by trying to “fix” or “save” others.  It makes sense I always failed…I couldn’t “fix” or “save” myself either.  YEARS of my life had passed me by as I continued to skin my knees with the momentary “‘harsh” lesson that “you can NOT save or fix people who don’t want to be saved or fixed”....codependecy at its finest.  I not only hurt others because I was hurt…but inevitably…I was hurting myself due to being emotionally inept.  I had the mindset that if I helped fix or save others…that I was doing something positive or good all while being able to avoid my own issues…win win.  I even adopted a motto typically related to “items” that I turned into applying to human beings instead:  “leave them better than how you found them” for comfort…sometimes I had no choice and had to leave for safety.  Ultimately, leaving people became easy because I was numb…yet  it didn’t stop me from trying to continue to try to live a “culturally normal life” (not a holy life).  I longed to forge a normalcy I didn’t just want…but CRAVED…a normalcy of my own will…instead of Abba’s will.  For a split moment in time, I thought I had that normalcy but ultimately I sabotaged it and naturally hurt the person in the process…another casualty to my codependency, emotional toxicity, and detrimental conditioning due to the life experiences, pain, complexities, confusion, abuse, guilt, shame, scandals, and mistakes.  It was evident that I had more hard lessons to learn that I couldn't have foreseen at the time with the life I was living. It was only on par for the course because I wasn’t truly saved yet.  There was no way I could have fixed or saved anyone because first of all it wasn’t my place…second of all I needed to be saved…and my third point and the best...Jesus already saved me and I couldn’t understand that fully at the time. We know how this story goes…I became saved by Jesus and given grace, thanks be to God.  So naturally…in my born again PERSPECTIVE…it is EASY to see that God’s timing, unconditional love, mercy, and grace are abundant shalom filled blessings. 

Why does any of this matter?  Why does the past matter? Pulling spiritual nourishment for wisdom with a full perspective is important for me to do in this blog because my spirit was dying until Christ brought me back to life. Like the balance in life…it’s really no different from night to day, dark to light, lost to found, the Old Testament to the New Testament; that pre Jesus life and post Jesus life…dead to rebirth.  So it’s true that I have written about my difficult past...but I have also let Holy Spirit guide me to write PLENTY of miraculous non-coincidental testimonies along this journey of obedience to write.  To understand how I got here I needed to have a different perspective on where I had been and see it from a holy perspective.. a perspective of spiritual nourishment given to me by God.  Sometimes that feels hard to take in because the person I used to be…died. I've been living a life of redemption and when one realizes they are saved by grace…life feels and tracks differently.  I never expected to be given this new chance at life because I never felt I deserved it…and as I don’t believe I “deserve” anything…I know people I am given, places I go, things I have, and this very life I live is nothing short of blessings upon blessings.  I am eternally grateful and honored to be Abba’s child every moment of every day.

So now that I've got the distant and honest past locked down, let's get to the near and miraculous future. To do this I must go back approximately a year when I started this blog.  I want to reiterate OBEDIENCE (this is a common theme in this blog) to God here because I had another blog prior to this one because I had always been given the gift of writing and even often think that I communicate better writing than I do speaking sometimes lol! But I didn't always use my gift of writing for God's Kingdom or his purpose as I was searching for God in all the wrong places at one point.   So after surrendering my life to Abba and Holy Spirit called me to write again...I was apprehensive because the last time I wrote, I didn't use my gifts for God's Kingdom and I just want to honor God. The consistent thing is…ALL blogs (past and present) are written in Google Docs. I didn't realize how far I'd come until I came across one particular blog I wrote in early 2024 called “Epigenetics”.  It was a pretty good 20 page blog that I wrote for fun that was based on a book called “The God Gene” by Dean Hamer.  But…I could tell I was struggling to find God still as I felt I needed scientific proof.  To briefly give you a synopsis…Hamer is a geneticist that proposed in his book The God Gene (2004), that the VMAT2 (vesicular monoamine transporter 2) gene influences human spirituality, self-transcendence, and spiritual capacity. VMAT2 regulates neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, which Hamer argues are linked to feelings of spiritual connection, though the book was inconclusive from what I remember.  The idea is still debated, however it is still not proven if you were curious.  I never found God in science because God isn’t science…He is love and created science for us. So as I was reading over “Epigenetics”…I could instantly tell that Hashtag Satisfied was going to be VERY different.  Writing because I want to out of my own will and writing because I was called to by Abba’s calling are VERY different things.  Obedience to Abba can land us places we never expected; had I known the value of obedience in my younger years…my life would’ve certainly looked different but I am grateful that I am where I am.  Little did I know when I was given this assignment to write again last year…that I was being set up for a different life-long adventure.  I could have chosen to pass on the calling…but we know the repercussions of disobedience…we miss out.  I didn’t want to miss out despite feeling emotionally exhausted.

It was exactly July of 2025 when I had been called to write this blog.  Earlier that year I had been in a short surface relationship with a friend I had known closely for going on a decade but I ended it because in my heart I knew it wasn’t right for either of us.  Once again, I was alone…but I was not lonely…it was a relief to be single.  I had God.  I had my family and I found happiness in serving them and spending time with them.  I had friends in biblical community.  I wasn’t in a position to have a relationship and I certainly wasn’t called to be in a relationship.  I spent my alone time primarily playing instruments and singing on my parent’s pier over the summer because it brought me so much peace…I spent time alone with God in nature…worshipping Him so loneliness was never a factor.  I would occasionally go out with friends but if I did it was to do simple things like kayaking or coffee with good conversation; bars and worldly partying isn’t my jam.  Near the end of summer 2025 I repeatedly had trouble sleeping because no different than chatty girls at a slumber party…did Holy Spirit keep me awake by asking, “So when are you going to date again?”  I instantly said, “No.  After all I have been through and in the position I am in right now…I have no desire to do so.  I am emotionally exhausted and even feel numb in some ways.  No way.”  I felt I was being tested and hoping I was passing because wholehearted authenticity here…for the first time in my life…I literally did NO DESIRE to want to date.  The question from Holy Spirit was incessantly asked before I went to bed for WEEKS.  I continued to argue.  One day,  I got so fed up with it that I said, “If you lead me…I will follow but know it is not my heart to date and I’ve become proud of the fact I don’t want to date so I don’t understand ANY of this…AND for the record… I have THREE stipulations to this:  1.  No one in law enforcement; I had worked in cannabis, I partook in cannabis, and still believed in the medicinal properties of it…so probably doesn’t mix well.   2.  No one younger than I am.  3.  No one with kids.  I was empty nested with a pulchritudinous daughter who is responsibly living in her 20’s.  No need to go back and do all that over again at 40!”  No response from Holy Spirit after I communicated that.  Through time discerning, praying, meditating, and researching…I was led to a Christian dating app called “Upward”.  I realized how much I hated apps because it feels…shallow.  And I really didn’t want to get on an app or use anything online anyways because I met the guy that stabbed my daughter nearly to death on Plenty of Fish.  So I wasn’t thrilled about using technology to date let alone…date.  I had been out on 3 dates which were somewhat pleasant…however with my God given gifts and Holy Spirit guiding me…it didn’t take long to realize they were wolves in sheep’s clothing.  Back to square one.  I even told Holy Spirit, “See, this is stupid!  There’s no point in this…the world is very different and I feel this is not for me.”  I didn’t even wait for a response…so I took it upon myself to go as far as to delete the app.  The ideal situation in my mind IF I had a desire to date would have been to meet someone naturally…someone I could be friends with first.  That night I go to bed and Holy Spirit keeps me awake again by incessantly asking, “So…when are you going to start dating again?  When are you going to redownload the app?” I got so annoyed that I redownloaded Upward back onto my phone.  I didn’t do much with it after I redownloaded it as it was a Sunday and Sunday’s typically consisted of church and family time.  Church went well… and I invited a gentleman from church out for coffee and he accepted.  I made sure to let him know this was NOT a date so things wouldn’t be confusing and that I wanted to be friends (out of personal respect for my preference to not want to date).  I just wanted to make friends in biblical community.

So by the time evening came around I was relaxing and gave Upward some reluctant attention.  The first profile to pop up was a very handsome man with his profile picture taken with a beautiful german shepherd  that I had to know more about…I read his profile over…and over…and over again and thought “Is this guy even real?!”  Despite studying his profile…I hadn’t noticed right away that he’s a state trooper (law enforcement), has 4 kids, and is a year younger than I am (it mattered because it added to the list of my stipulations).  Holy Spirit led me to message him first on that fateful Sunday, “Hi there!”  I instantly thought it was lame and honestly didn’t expect a response yet I received one shortly after 7:50pm, “Hello, what is your name?  It shows up on here as Ever?  I hope that you have had a wonderful day!”  I chuckled because telling the story of my God given name is one of my favorites, “Hi Jathan!  I was born Kelsey but after a near death experience in 2020, God gave me a new name (which no one is required to call me).  Very similar to Simon Peter in the Bible.  I plan to get it legally changed for myself but again…I require no one to actually call me that.  It’s just another hallelujah to Abba.  Is Jathan your real name?!  I dig it!  I had a decent day!  How was your day?”  I felt enjoyment in this conversation already as I read his response, “Well Kelsey is an awesome name as well! and I would be interested in hearing more about your story. Our God is amazing and I love listening to how he works. and yes, Jathan  is my real name. My parents couldn’t  decide between Nathan and Jason and this is what they came up with. My day was pretty good. I went to church and sat with several men from Bible study group. then spent time  with my kids and relaxing!”   I continued on, “ well I definitely like Jathan!   I would have been Nathan if I were a boy.. then we wouldn't be having this conversation LOL!   I'm actually in the process of writing to be honest a chunk of my story is written out but it's context to a blog I started: hashtagsatisfied.com.  I'm glad your day went well! What did you like about your Church's message today?  I'm glad you got to spend time with your kids and relax! How many kids do you have? How long have you served as a state trooper?”  He seemed to be amused by my response, “ Yes,  the conversation would definitely not exist if that was the case! You're quite funny!  That's really cool that you're taking the time to write out your story.   Church's message was all about hearing God's voice and trusting in his plan.  It  definitely was a very good message and exactly what I needed to hear.   Yeah, I enjoy my kids. They can be a bit wild at times but they are great.  I have four kids, 13, 12, 8, and 15 months.   all with their own personalities.   I have been on the department for almost 11 years now!   What do you do for work? Do you have any children? Do you attend church regularly?”  The conversation carried on perfectly and the next day I got a message from Jathan, “If it’s easier you can text me instead of using this app.  Unless you prefer this then I understand.  Otherwise XXX-XXX-XXXX.”  The guy was younger than me, had FOUR children, and worked in law enforcement…God you got a real sense of humor.  The first time Jathan and I spoke on the phone it was night time and we carried on the best conversation I had in what seemed like years with a guy…it was healthy, entertaining, and spiritually led…I felt heard and listened to…before the conversation ended Jathan even asked, “Can I pray us out tonight?”  NO GUY HAD EVER DONE THAT BEFORE AND I WAS CONVINCED IN THAT MOMENT…HE’S MY PERSON.  

The more Jathan and I talked the more he’d send me daily devotionals, we’d pray together each night and for and over one another each morning, and we got to know each other in deeper authenticity.  With having four children…one including a teenager…it is inevitable for issues to arise.  One night Jathan and I were talking over the phone and we were discussing what obedience to God meant to us.  He told me that a couple weeks prior to us talking that he began a WEEK LONG fast and that during that fast his 13 year old son tried to run away from his mom’s house so his son stayed with him for that week. He went on to tell me that one night, his son wanted steak for dinner so Jathan prepared the steak with the right seasonings, “juicy”, and perfectly cooked it so well that he was tempted to eat it instead of serving the whole thing to his son and complete the calling to fast from from eating.  The description that he gave of that temptation was deeply felt….yet…Jathan knew that the temptation to eat the steak was temporary and that obedience to God was more important so giving into the temptation was never an option.  I felt the pull of God’s obedience not only through the blog but also in the process of opening myself up to date and to get to know Jathan.  I had learned that the first 3 kids were from his first marriage that ended because his wife at the time did not support his dream to become a state trooper.  His youngest child was a surprise from his second marriage to a wife that would become unfaithful to him and leave him for the other guy.  Despite the circumstances and  painful relationships he endured…the kids are all blessings.  From Sunday night on, I continued to learn about the pain he endured in his  life, the happiness he experienced in his life, what he likes, what he dislikes, and what his childhood up looked like.  The more we communicated…the more I found Jathan’s faith, obedience, fatherhood, and personality attractive…yes he’s OBVIOUSLY PHYSICALLY GORGEOUS…but physical aesthetics feel secondary when the natural spiritual connection is evident.  It was easy to get invested and pleasantly “lost” in our conversations.

So lost that from Sunday to Wednesday…I had nearly forgotten about asking the gentleman from church out to coffee on Friday until I got a text message from him, “I can’t go to coffee, I’m not good for it.  I’m too messed up.”  I initially thought, “Dude, it was coffee…I made it a point to tell you it wasn’t a date, but okay.”  Instead I replied gracefully that I understood and easily let it go.  Another lovely day of conversation with Jathan went on to that Thursday and before I knew it…we were talking about  favorite foods (tacos, cheese and cheesecake FTW BTW).  He cheekily texts me, “Are you asking me out on a date? LOL!”  So I flirtatiously fired back, “The reeeeeeal question is…Are you asking ME out on a date?! LOL!”  To which he responds, “Absolutely without a doubt!!!”  I couldn’t help but to communicate, “I’m smiling pretty big right now!  I honorably, humbly, and happily accept your offer!” We made plans for Friday since my Friday happened to supernaturally clear up.  I put on skinny jeans, black heels, and a navy blue shirt with white polka dots since I knew that blue was his favorite color.  I told my bestie Amber about the date and that I was meeting him at his house and that from there he was going to drive us to the restaurant.  Knowing my past and wanting me to be safe she told me to stay in contact with her so by the time I got to his house I saw the squad vehicle ready to rumble where I jokingly texted her, “If these squad vehicle  lights don’t go on tonight, it’s not real!”  I’m a kid at  heart after all.  So as I continued down the driveway, I saw the german shepherd dash out when I pulled into the country driveway.  She looked just like the german shepherd my Gram and Grampa had when I was young and was close to named “Digger”.  It never dawned on me to ask Jathan if she was K-9 or not because the residual scent of cannabis permeated my car from previously smoking in it in the winter months when I had nowhere warm to smoke.  I thought, “Ooooo this may be a disaster even though cannabis isn’t a priority anymore.”  Turns out she wasn’t K-9 and I was just honest with Jathan from the start as he greeted me at my car.  Good communication with a solid beginning.  The german shepherd’s name is “Roxy” and she loved on me as if we were old friends from another lifetime that she had not seen in centuries, LOL!   We hung outside briefly and I checked in with Amber once again to let her know I was safe where I told Jathan, “I told my bestie that this isn’t real unless those lights on the squad car come on!”  He laughed and dashed to turn them on.  Shortly after I got a few pictures, we left for the restaurant, ate some really delicious food from an indie restaurant with live music and then took a long walk where I was trying to hide the fact that I was dying in the high heels I was wearing.  At times during the walk…it didn’t feel like the pain in my feet mattered because there were moments of laughter, beautiful scenery, times where he gently reached for my hand to hold it, and my favorite…a moment where the sunset’s rays revealed the green in his eyes (I know green well; it’s my favorite color) and I couldn’t help but to immediately notice (even if he did/does deny it’s there-I see it-can’t fool me!).  On the way back to his house, we SANG worship songs together…I didn’t typically sing in front of people I just met!

During the time we talked previously in the week, Jathan knew of my love for board games so when we arrived back at his house we played Aggravation (a game my family and I have relentlessly played) and Jenga while listening to worship music and had amazing conversations.  He had revealed to me that he was due to go to a singles Bible study that night and that he cancelled it because he felt called to go out on a date with me.  So wait…my plans for that Friday with the guy at church “randomly fell through” and instead I actually GO OUT ON A REAL DATE with a guy that was called to after a week long fast and devoted obedience to God. After my dating history…this is stuff from The Hallmark Channel…not REAL LIFE…RIGHT?!   To add to that…it was also revealed that during the time I had the surface relationship with my friend prior to dating Jathan…that he also was in a surface relationship during the same short time with a girl who didn’t edify his faith.  I wasn’t a stranger to that situation in my past either so I could commiserate.  We LAUGHED at and REJOICED in the God given NON-COINCIENCES and we carried on talking about how we each personally didn’t enjoy dating around and how we wanted to date with purpose.  We knew that night we wanted to date each other.  I found it respectful that before I left I got a hug…not a kiss…not a booty grab…nothing indecent.  Not too long after that…we deleted our Upward profiles and shared with the world that we were officially dating.  The relationship was set apart from the beginning because we were led to it and had to be obedient to get it.

Our budding relationship continued to blossom…like to unconditional love.  Eventually, I moved in…mountain top.  I began attending his church, leaned more into my faith, and joined a fabulous women’s group where I have made wonderful Jesus loving friends…mountain top.  I eventually got the job I wanted for about 2 decades now which was definitely a God thing because the day that I interviewed…I had no idea it was Jathan’s doctor’s office…mountain top.   I got SUPER ill to the point I needed to be hospitalized…valley low.  I got super depressed…valley low  And through the mountains and valleys of life…we relentlessly hold each other tight, love unconditionally, grow together, and live into our faith. flourish the way God meant us to…in devoted commitment to each other and in devoted covenant with God.  

Looking back through all of the non-coincidences…there’s no doubt that God made the way for Jathan AKA “My Gorgeous State Trooper” and I to be in this relationship an now…officially engaged as of March 29th and we will be getting married October 10th.   That’s right…it’s been nearly a decade since I have been married and I am so excited for this journey of being a wife again.  It was quite creative the way he proposed but I should have known something was up because he took the time to research Dungeons and Dragons (a table top game I enjoy playing) and wanted to play it with me.  He found a special DnD game meant for couples to play over a few hours.  Of course he had blue dice…I had green dice.  We got things set up and I quickly stepped away to get a drink and came back to the game.  I looked over the pond of dice to see which one I needed to roll and immediately noticed “one of these things is not like the other”...an opal D20 with gold numbers.  For a long moment I had trouble trying to wrap my mind around how I didn’t notice the different dice before.  I picked up the dice and studied it until EVENTUALLY I noticed ON THE D20 in the tiniest print known to man, “Kelsey, marry me?”  We never did play the game…but I’d rather do life, worship God, edify faith, create disciples together, navigate problem solving with healthy communication, ecosystemically support, plant trees, create a garden, purchase a hot tub, build things, cook food, help take care of all 5 our kiddos and travel together anyways.

That being said…these last few weeks have made me see things differently and pray intentionally on what I am to do; I am being Holy Spirit led into a different season of my life and being called to focus on worshipping God, investing more time on music, PLANNING OUR WEDDING (*girly squeal*), focusing on work,  going back to school for mental health counseling, helping Jesus build a church, spending time with my family and friends, and leaning into faithful “God Given Tomor-rose” as a wife!!!  It’s a new season of more adventures living in surrender, sacrifice, and obedience. I will be keeping this website up until August 2026 and unless I am led to or given a miraculous testimony to write…I will not be writing weekly after this blog.  I will be keeping up Hashtag Satisfied’s Facebook page up and continue to post things on there randomly because I am still called to share thoughts and ideas to help make disciples…just on a different level and in different ways.  If anything changes and I am called to come back to writing…so be it God…I willl bring #Satisfied back in obedience….exactly the way it started. I love you all and I am grateful for the opportunity to write a blog again based on REAL MIRACULOUS testimonies given to us by God. 

And of course… Song of the Week:  Born Again Christian by Chuckey Ellis

For Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit, The Bible, #Satisfied, church, faith, shalom, peace, miracles, testimonies, unconditional love, love, holiness, opportunities, free will, obedience, surrender, freedom, light, life, sacrifice, imperfections, grace, mercy, wisdom, knowledge, happiness, writing, creativity, support, gratitude, growth, understanding, quality time, God given gifts, inspiration, seasons, family, friends, readers, and God Given Tomor-rose…I am…

#Satisfied