#9 - “Safe Bayou, Lord”
I’m going to start this blog off by talking about some past sins in my personal life…not out of conviction nor condemnation to myself or others but to explain the importance of what I experienced one pivotal day in my life. This is not a place of boasting either… but a place that I will give facts and my perspective because I long to be completely authentic and vulnerable; this means revealing the good, the bad, the ugly, and the radiant (Parenthesis Rabbit Hole: God’s light will always be radiant through His children so I put that last - the end result will always be His victory…so I put “the radiant” last in that sentence for a reason…this has also been a verbal practice I’ve been using and wanting to share here with you all).
I never (literally never) got into drugs that I felt could be biochemically addictive from a medical standpoint; getting addicted to a high is another concept which I absolutely believe in…because I experienced that too (mainly with cannabis). Through my personal transformation in God’s only son Jesus Christ who shows us The Way, The Truth, and The Life…I believe that taking one drug is just as negative as taking any other. Again, this is NOT a place of judgment and I love everyone just as God calls us to; everyone has rights and the freedom to make their own choices with their free will even if I disagree…I still love you nonetheless because I am given unconditional love. I am simply writing about me and my perspective on things after all I have been through. To me, drugs of any kind are a substance that alters our whole ecosystem: the mind (mental), heart (emotional), body (physical), and spirit (spiritual). I am well educated on the fact that some drugs possess chemicals that we already have in our bodies but when add to them or introduce new chemicals into our ecosystem by doing drugs…we are altering ourselves in some way, shape, or form…and we have been offered freedom in knowing that we are already perfectly made in God’s image. Overall, substances such as drugs are chemicals originally outside our body’s chemistry levels that we choose (taking control) to put into our bodies to create internal change. I can say friends, Jesus did that for me without having to take control…instead I gave up control and surrendered my life…the old me…doesn’t exist…any rendition of me that you have in your mind…is gone…that person was laid to rest all glory to Jesus. That is also why I began this blog with an apology to those I have wronged or led astray. In my transformed opinion, drugs of ANY kind should NOT be taken unless absolutely medically necessary prescribed by a doctor AND (not IF…and not PERSONAL OPINION) in covenant with spiritual discernment ONLY through the Holy Spirit. I still have my medical card to use cannabis for fibromyalgia, arthritis, and PTSD but I can say honestly that I am 100% sober (no cannabis, no more prescribed pain medications). This is not an easy road to be on after having the “right” to take them because honestly I felt they helped my pain…but the scales were tipped when I felt they outweighed my mind and more importantly my spirit. So even though I wake up in vast amounts of pain each day…I can say with full honesty that I am 100% sober minded as God’s Truth The Bible calls us to be. How do I do it? I push through it and remember that back in Biblical times…they didn’t have these options. If I am walking with Jesus who endured the pain on the cross…comparatively…my pain is nothing. So I push through it with prayer, feeling God’s word that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, and knowing that I am promised that the enemy has NO hold on me now or forevermore. When it came down to harder drugs such as meth, heroin, cocaine, etc…(the drugs I was warned about in my life not only by others but internal wisdom to never take)…well…I never took them. However, I will say it until the day I die…I am not perfect…but grateful for God’s mercy and grace. I’ve taken my fair share of hallucinogenics in my life (Parenthesis Rabbit Hole: Vulnerability for context here…I mainly partook in DMT, Shrooms & LSD. LSD was my primary choice because I thought shrooms & DMT were like “Lite Beer” comparatively to LSD for my biochemistry) and quite honestly even to this day…three things hold true…1. Out of all the years (and ample amounts as I’d always push my limits) that I did them…I NEVER had a bad trip, which I hear is uncommon. 2. I had some of the most beautiful experiences with them (Was this reason to continue down that path? Nope. I have beautiful experiences now because I walk in and with Holy Spirit - and IYKYK sometimes that is like a drug LOL). 3. I am grateful and blessed to not have been permanently altered by these substances. The potential is always there and those that are putting unnecessary substances into your bodies…I pray in Jesus’s name that you stop playing with fire that could permanently harm you. Through Jesus’s sacrifice you have been equipped to have dominion over addictions. You are valuable. You are unconditionally loved. If you don’t know who Jesus is or don’t believe in Jesus at all…I have evidence through The Alpha Course by Nicky Gumbel. I am going to reference episode 2 “Who is Jesus?” in this blog, however, I truly hope and pray for non-believers and those not fully walking in and with Holy Spirit to watch this whole series provided on YouTube. It made me go from blindly believing in Jesus to coming FULLY ALIVE believing in Jesus. This video is partially why the previous talk about drugs was so important…they speak about hallucinations in the evidence. Alpha Film Series // Episode 02 // Who is Jesus Please take a few minutes of your day and scroll to 19:58-22:31. So here’s your sign…here’s your evidence…I am NOT hallucinating, neither is anyone else that follows Jesus, and neither were the disciples when they saw Jesus return to them after he conquered the grave.
I am about to reveal my 13 year old self to you through my 40 year old eyes. I had just been told that we were moving and that I was switching schools from the hood to an area where at the time was nothing but rich white people and Amish (this is not judgment but rather an authentic perspective. I was quite upset that I was leaving all I had known my whole life and ungrateful that I was moving to a better school system. I had felt similar loss when my loving grandparents moved to Tennessee (to build a gorgeous log cabin together in the Smokey Mountains where we were able to visit them) a few years prior to that as well…along with the loss of my great grandmother Helen whom I was close with. It took many years out of high school to realize that I gratefully was raised in and had the pleasure of calling the new town we moved to…home. Even though we moved, my family and I continued going to the small Christian non-denomination church that I was raised in (originally called Blood Bought Church which turned into Faith Christian Fellowship Church) because it was approximately 30 minutes away. 30 minutes away was far enough away at the time to make a huge difference from hood to country. Shout out to Pastor Jean, I love you and miss you bunches!!! Our family was blessed to have such a close bond with those we went to church with (even to this day). One of my mom’s best friends was named Tammy who had a husband named Mark, and I grew up so close to Tammy’s daughters Ashley and Danielle as if they were the sisters I never had the opportunity to grow up with. That family would move into my childhood home after we moved. As most of us are aware of….time, distance, and life experiences have a way of getting away from us throughout the years but it cannot alter unconditional love for family. Tammy, Danielle, Ashley and I don’t talk everyday and have even gone long periods of not talking at all but in our hearts…we have always remained family and I love them unconditionally forever and always. You ladies are not only special to me but for God’s kingdom. Thank you for being you…and thank you for your love, support, and permission to use your names in this story.
With the above context, this story takes place before our families moved around. The house my family lived in at the time was one story, a basement (where my room was - eventually Ashley and her family moved in there and on par for the course - Ashley would take my room), decent sized front and back yard for the times, and one bathroom. This is important because the power was out that day and it had been a rough day for me already due to having one bathroom, being a teenage girl, and sharing it with a whole family in the dark prior to venturing out into our plans for the day. It was Labor Day weekend approximately 26 years ago and when Labor Day came around each year…I knew it was time for Ashley’s birthday. We were both born the same year but 6 months apart. I had turned 12 or 13 that year which means on this particular birthday…she also turned 12 or 13. I feel like it was 13 because it felt like a big “right of passage” birthday because we all celebrated at a very large local park known for its standalone nature, climbing structures, peppered playgrounds, picnic space, and beautiful trails. Tammy and Mark provided a beautiful party for the celebration of Ashley’s amazing self…and we all had a blast! It was a beautiful day to celebrate and I wanted to bask in it with my bestie…so I asked her to go on a walk with me and get away from all the large group of people (my introvertedness even at a young age showing - LOL). So the two of us journeyed out onto perfectly warm sunlit trails as we enjoyed viewing the array of nature’s colors turning, and the wind cooling us down between altitudes. During this time The Spice Girls had just begun to be popular and I was running in platform tennis shoes like a crazy girl. These were also the days where lead paint, being spanked with a paddle, truck bed riding, no bike helmet, and drinking out of the water hose were still acceptable in society…so two teenage girls running off into the woods was also normal. What wasn’t normal was that there was a bridge blocked off under construction. We had many signs warning us of this bridge being down for construction but if you’ve been 13 before…you know all too well…signs don’t mean much of anything for the times. We blew past the signs as we wanted to see what the bridge looked like…a level of curiosity that would be more that sated later on in this true story. We got to the bridge from the dirt trail that it was surrounded by…no cement around; this is important to remember. The bridge was nothing but steel I-beams with an artistic and functional roof on top. There were ropes with signs on both sides to the bridge saying, “Keep Out”. We laughed and carried on beyond the ropes even in apprehension and doubt during blatant disobedience. Below the I-beams was a body of water that looked to be approximately 2 feet deep. Beautifully grown lilypads with flowers rested on the still water. Sticking out of the water there were even an array of other flowers growing somehow. Once I saw the reality of how it looked beyond the ropes I boasted to Ashley, “Oh this will be fine even if we did fall in, this water looks shallow!!! I was in gymnastics so all you gotta do is balance!!!” Oh the arrogance of a 13 year old me. We made our way onto the I-beams (me in my platform tennis shoes) and we got to the middle and rested. Ashley has always been a beautiful lady (like model pretty) and she has long legs so she was contorting herself to even pick flowers with her toes out of the water. After a while of talking, laughing, and overall just having ourselves a good time…we decided to head back to the party. Clearly there’s no railing on these I-beams so getting up from a sitting position was challenging…but we made it. As we were making our way back to land (this was no small bridge), I saw something large and shadow-like fly over my head. This was no bird…I felt the dark presence of sabotage in the midst of disobedience. I lost my balance and I fell in. The water was NOT 2 feet deep…in fact it was a swamp of muck that could not be swam in. Ashley and I both panicked and were screaming at the top of our lungs for help as she tried to help me but I was being pulled down further the more that I tried to swim. She left to go get help as fast as she could. She was successful onto land and eventually went back to her own birthday party which seemed demolished with disobedience.
During the time she went to get help and that I was alone I was thinking, “This is it…this is how I am going to die.” because I couldn’t swim…the rotting matter wouldn’t allow me to float so I was sinking to the point the putrid mucky water entered my mouth. I felt helpless until I felt significant pain in my right leg and I realized that I had a stick from underneath the water that had pierced into my leg. I used my leg to dig into the stick and grabbed a hold of the I-beam above me. I hung there as long as I could, which was difficult because the bayou-like gunk was slimy (and oh so stinky in its initial form of stagnation). So I had to occasionally let go, rely on the stick, and hope for the best. This bridge was blocked off several times over for safety…and I will reiterate…NOT surrounded by cement. I needed “on” time to hang so I reached up to grab the I-beam to see to my right…two people (a man and a woman) out of nowhere had appeared on the side that Ashley and I came from. I was NOT hallucinating (this would’ve been approximately 15 years before even touching my first hallucinogenic)...these people were as real as if you and I were having coffee at the coffee shop. The man was on a bike and the woman was on normal rollerblades. Now, I can say that I have been on rollerblades a couple times in my life and the likelihood that two people would be rollerblading and biking that trail together would be slim to none…and the fact that two adults appeared out of NOWHERE when people knew this was blocked off…wasn’t coincidental…what made it more real was when the man on the bike yelled over to me, “Do you need some help?” nonchalantly, without panic, and genuine concern. The woman made no moves but just stood beside him on her rollerblades quietly. I am wiggling and struggling to hold onto this I-beam and I say, “No!!! Thank you!!!” They stood there and didn’t move, nor did they say another word. They stood and watched me struggle. I had declined help knowing I was disobedient and I was fearful to bring in anyone else in the midst of the distress that I had created for myself. If I go down for my disobedience…that’s one thing…but bringing others into it…no way. I knew if I made it out alive I was going to be in enough trouble as it was anyways. I am not going to involve more people.
Before I go on…I am going to share some 100/100 hindsight given to me from God throughout the years as I have reflected on this story in my mind. I think we dangle from I-beams all day long sometimes and don’t ask for God’s help when we are struggling in the swampy muck of culture’s chaos, distractions, confusion, and destruction. I could’ve asked for the couple’s help…but I declined because I felt bad about what I had done…this is one way that disobedience separates us from God. Jesus takes away that separation by His sacrifice on the cross. We don’t have to choose to be separated…we are called to choose a relationship with The Holy Trinity. Relationships require mutual love…we were given unconditional love and we should give that unconditional love back to Abba with all that we do in our lives sacrificed and glorified in His name. My best advice to you…don’t waste your time (one of the most precious things you have here) not taking help from God. He loves you and wants a relationship with you…and Jesus’s grace and mercy is free…all you have to do is accept the help. Repentance isn’t weakness…it’s newfound strength on a firm foundation with a clean slate. Remaining disobedient to Abba will always have consequences…big and small…I can honestly say that these days…I do my best to not feel that anymore after being in a real yet metaphorical prison for 15-ish years.
Ashley was successful in helping save me that day as she tried to pull me out before utilizing her wisdom to get help and guide the entire party down to the bridge where I was struggling. By the time the party had gotten down to the bridge…they all stood back on the ground and Mark and my dad struggled to pull me up from the heavy swamp matter…but they clearly achieved their goal in assisting to preserve my life that day. As I was guided off the I-beams by our dads, I went to thank the couple that appeared out of nowhere for standing by me in case I needed help…but they had disappeared just as they had arrived…out of everywhere. God is everywhere…and there’s not a doubt in my mind that those two people weren’t people at all but rather angels. I asked my mom, dad, Mark, and Tammy where the couple was…and then I had to explain what had happened during the time I was holding on for my life.
That disobedient situation clearly killed the party for us all. The ride home was the most rancid that I ever experienced in my whole life (it probably was for my family too - LOL) as I sat on clean garbage bags for a barrier in the far back seat of our silver Ford Aerostar minivan. And of course…to top it all off with cherry…the power was still out so taking a shower with decomposing plant matter on you in the dark is pretty useless…and I am pretty sure my parents wouldn’t even let me inside before I hosed down anyways (rightfully so).
Don’t let disobedience kill the life you are meant to celebrate. Reach out to Abba. Ask for help for big things and small things. He is THE SAME GOD in the valley (or swamp in my story LOL) as He is on the mountain. Yes, asking for help means you must repent…but when you get sick and tired of yourself…and you’re dangling with stinky, slimy, swampy muck on you…God is still there waiting for you to love him back with open arms to save you from yourself and the enemy.
Two side notes before I end this…
That shadowy figure I saw under the roof of that bridge…I had seen only one other time in this life and that was the night that my daughter got stabbed nearly to death approximately 7 years later. Whatever it is…it’s an evil presence that I once thought was protecting or “warning” me. I am well aware that it was evil and have rebuked it in the name of Jesus via my Freedom Sessions.
This story and experience was so important to me that my final 6th grade report consisted of a writing out this story which I shared a physical copy with Ashley, my family, and Ashley’s family approximately 26 years ago…so it’s an honor to write about this story once again in a detailed way with God’s hindsight 100/100.
Basking in freedom from putrid stagnation because of Jesus’s sacrifice, having the opportunity to love life-long family friends, and witnessing God’s glory leaves me…
#Satisfied
