#2 : 1 - “How Did I Get To This Season?”
Just how DID I get here to this point in my life with Jesus? How did I get to the point of writing this blog? Let me make this easy on you. If you want the abundant and honest version of it all with no context needed: God. If you chose to never read another word of this blog or any others that I write…may you know in your heart that everything is centered around God, His Only Son Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit that dwells within us.
It’s important for me to deliver my testimony because I love writing the truth about Abba’s endless love and power that I have personally experienced here. Obedience to Jesus is the center of this blog which is another essential reason for me to convey my testimony to the fullest. It’s also vital for me to share my testimony because I understand that everyone’s time is valuable which means that I respect yours. Everything that I write about is authentic and I am blessed to have a support system that continues to bear witness to my testimony. I could not have gotten to this point in my life without them either. To my family and friends, God bless you all and thank you for your love and support. Here’s to many more years of sharing about God’s unconditional love for us.
If you’re a reader that values deep personal context about God’s love, I got your 6 on a 3 part blog journey on my personal testimony. My goal is to do my best to be just; I long to communicate honest and as unbiased thoughts as possible. I’ll be writing difficult things about my first birth / past self which will not be a form of self-condemnation but rather the road to victory ONLY through Jesus that I’ve been saved and DID get to this point in my life to do what I’m called to be doing even through vulnerability. I’ll reiterate this with everything within me: There is no failure in obedience to Jesus Christ.
Welcome to Part 1!
I was born in March of 1985 to my Mom and Father. I was born with a rare genetic blood disease that nearly killed me as a baby (Near Death Experience #1). At some point I would like to sit down with my mom and talk and eventually write about her very neat God woven experience upon getting the news that I wouldn’t live through the night. A night became the day. The day turned into a week. The week turned into a month. The month turned into a year. A year turned into “she won’t live past 12 years of age.” And here I am 40 years later writing this blog, praise Jesus! I did, however, spend lots of time down at Riley’s Children’s Hospital. My babyhood photos are peppered with pictures of me with an IV in my bald little head. I find it no coincidence that I experienced any of this physically because truthfully I always felt that I was born with a rage/anger with the undertone of fear and initially it wasn’t even mine. This makes sense because I feel that my biological Father’s morals and mental health failed him biologically, through life experiences, and by his personal choices. My Mom wasn’t perfect but she definitely loved him and it’s not by chance that I was born; I was wanted and for that I am grateful. I believe how we are born into this world matters. Why? 1. God knew us in our mother’s wombs. This means conception is important. I’m sure you see where my heart is on that sensitive subject; however I’m always about health in Mama’s and Baby’s as I’m not in those circumstances. 2. Biology matters. Why? Just this past weekend Pastor Ryan (Sr. - IYKYK - LOL!) said that we HAVE to be born again because we NEED new birth which implies there’s something wrong with our first birth. Makes sense on many levels because DNA is flawed and I find it no coincidence that none of us are without sin. Does this mean our DNA is responsible for our sin? Sort of but absolutely not entirely! I believe most sin is by personal choice and when we choose to sin, it’s an inward choice to miss the mark…this means our relationship with Abba falls short on our end and it’s our choice to do our best to repair that with Jesus’s beautiful grace (which we shouldn’t take advantage of). As far as DNA and family dynamics contributing to sin…I do believe in generational consequences which can have lasting familial patterns derived from sin. 3. Not every child is born into this world wanted and it breaks my heart for those who weren’t. Not that “outsiders” aren’t wanted, but they are treated differently so I always tried to hang out with them to try to help them realize that they’re valued, important, and filled with extraordinary potential. I would literally witness to kids about Jesus during elementary school in the hood of Elkhart, Indiana. I can vividly remember that the playground was my favorite place to witness because even though we were outside to play, the “outsiders” were always listening and I felt in my heart I was doing something positive. I may not have understood Jesus’ sacrifice but somehow I always felt it through unparalleled divine love. We’re all human after all. I do not embrace Ram Dass’ beliefs, however he is credited with the following quote which wraps these feelings up beautifully, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If I could transform that quote I’d say, “Jesus is showing us The Way to help us walk each other home.” Everyone deserves the grace we are given even if we think or feel differently.
So things didn’t work out with my parents which hindsight is really a positive thing! They were teenagers and my Father…well he was my Father when it was convenient for him. I never knew him well and what I did know of him wasn’t pleasant for me. I felt that I became “unwanted” by him and it showed through the (putting it kindly) complex relationship that transpired. My Mom, her family which included Gram, Grandpa, 3 awesome brothers, Aunts, ALL my cousins, and I saved the best for last (sorry not sorry fam) Jesus made up for the worst day with my Father even if I didn’t see it or realize it until later down the road. I didn’t enjoy my visits with my father and often asked to go to my paternal Grandfather, ”Grampa Paul’s”. My slightly older and sweet cousin, Shar lived with him as he was her guardian, and an amazing one at that rest his soul. I always looked forward to being around Grampa Paul, Grandma Evelyn and Shar. Shar and I got along for the most part, but I was younger so I am sure I annoyed her but she always loved me anyway. I was and always will be grateful for her company especially during those difficult times. My Mom got remarried to my stepfather when I was around a year old and they were married for 18 years. Together they gave me 3 younger brothers (J is 2 years younger than me, A is 8 years younger, and C is 12 years younger) that I am so grateful for and love unconditionally. As the oldest child, it was tough at times because my Mom would work 4-6 jobs (steadily a licensed client building Cosmetologist) at a time, seasons depending and my stepdad worked very hard in factories. At that time we had a dedicated Christian, church going household so it was difficult for our family to watch the paternal leader in our home slip in and out of addiction; may he also rest in peace. I did what I could to help out at home. I did a lot of cooking, cleaning, and helping care for the boys. I feel I was a parent before I was a parent so I tried to be as responsible as possible but seasons changed and time has a way of leading us forward into young adulthood. I hear that “I was a good kid” for the most part! When I was in 6th grade, my parents decided to move to Bristol, Indiana as living in the hood in Elkhart was no longer serving our family. I went to Middlebury schools so I always liked to call my second hometown “Bristolbury”.
It was hard on me to maintain the friendships I had formed from Kindergarten forward at school being 30-ish minutes away from them. In retrospect, the practicality of balanced transportation wasn’t ideal due to the lack of resources. I also struggled going from being a racial minority to a town full of rich white people and Amish (just calling it what it was from my perspective lol); it was honestly a form of culture shock. I quickly tried to adapt which meant leaving “the hood” behind me internally and externally. As a young adult I balanced a lot as we all do as we progress into high school. And I am sure as no one should be surprised through their own young adult journeys, I am grateful to have had the opportunities to have a great group of friends, pull young adult antics, have had the ability to fall in love, experience various heartbreaks, learn the lessons, welcome the comebacks, to be set up for success via proper well-rounded education, to work hard at jobs, participate in extracurricular activities like band which eventually swapped for choir, and help vocally lead worship at our home church (special shout out to Pastor Jean-I love you and miss your face!). The older I got, the more I questioned my faith; I don’t really know why because no matter what I was doing in my life, Jesus was always in my heart. I had many moments where I fell short of reflecting Jesus in my life. Thankfully, I have chosen to have a true relationship with our LIVING KING and that my friends…makes all the difference.
I’d eventually meet a guy that I’d have a child with at 18 years old. We were both young, and at that point in my life I knew what parenting was and I wanted a child. I didn’t know why I had this pressing urge to have a child but I always wanted to form a family. Things didn’t work out with my daughter’s father as we were both young and grew apart, however I am grateful that we seemed to coparent well for most seasons of our parenthood together. He has been happily remarried since our daughter was in elementary school. As for my thoughts on parenthood…parenthood changes everything for all of us and as a single teenage mom things got tough.
The concept of “hindsight being 20/20” is beautiful to me because had I not bore my daughter into this world when I did as a teenager, I would’ve never experienced parenthood or been through everything I am grateful for…this means the good and the bad as weird as that may seem. My daughter changed life for me in a multitude of ways and there’s never a moment that I am not grateful to be her mom. My pregnancy was a difficult road for my body and she was brought into this world via emergency C-Section. After she was born, I kept complaining to my doctors that my right leg hurt. I understood and still understand that I was young, just had a baby, underprivileged, and in college, but a familiar sinking feeling was setting in and I couldn’t ignore it. I feel in seasons of my childhood that I wasn’t heard in the hustle and bustle of life with a full and busy household; this is not a place of blame when I write this but rather a place of understanding as I had one child and my parents had a total of 4! I literally COMMEND you parents and guardians that care for more than one child. Sadly, that familiar sinking feeling when trying to communicate with my doctors after I had my daughter was the realization I wasn’t being heard despite my cries for help. My right leg was in immense pain. I went to appointments where they kept pumping me full of high doses of Ibuprofen. I complied with my care plan yet I wasn’t being cared for. My daughter became a month old and I was continuing through my college education while we lived with his mom. One December evening, my daughter’s father went out with his friends which wasn’t uncommon at that point. It’s rare that a young mom gets those peaceful moments so I was excited to get some homework done as my daughter was asleep and her dad was out. I sat down at my computer and began my work, however in the middle of it all I had this overwhelming urge to take my pants off which was weird because I was wearing post pregnancy stretchy jeans. My jeans PEELED off of me and the only thing that I have seen that is comparable to what I experienced that night is The Nutty Professor. My leg blew up and barely even looked like a limb let alone a functioning limb. I hobbled out to my daughter’s paternal grandmother and I said “I think I need to go to the hospital.” She said, “Why?” I simply replied by turning on the light. When she saw my right leg her eyes widened and she said, “Go! I’ll watch the baby!” I drove myself to the hospital and the whole way there I knew what I was dealing with at that point because of the medical knowledge I acquired in college at that time. I managed to get myself into the ER and it’s rare but that night there was a nurse at the desk; God knew what he was doing. I hobbled up to the desk and said, “I think I have a blood clot.” and pointed down to my leg. She looked over the desk at my leg and I saw the same wide eyed expression for the second time that night. She said, “I think you’re right.” I don’t remember much from point A to point B that night but I do remember waking up to the bright lights in surgery and I remember them telling me to put me back out. When I woke up, they told me that I had a 2 foot long blood clot in my right leg which they broke with an angiojet. My family was all notified of my critical situation as no one knew if I was going to live or die and sadly my daughter wasn’t allowed at the hospital because it was flu season. My Gram and Auntie dashed up from Tennessee, where they lived at the time; the neat thing is…they’re both experienced nurses so they could talk shop when they came up. And they did! Gram decided to stay with me at the hospital the night that they got into town and I am grateful that she did because things took a turn for the worse. Out of seemingly nowhere my oxygen level rapidly was skyrocketing down into oblivion. I remember hearing a code being called for my 18 year young self. No one realized that when the surgeons broke up the 2 foot long blood clot in my leg that I had some blood clots in my abdomen as well. My lungs were bilaterally FILLED with blood clots from my abdomen and my leg. For those that aren’t familiar with the severity of blood clots in lungs…a single blood clot in your lung has potential to kill you so there is no explanation other than God that I am here today. I am blessed to fully comprehend how beautiful life is and how valuable our time here is. This was my second near death experience in my short life. I can honestly say that I didn’t have any spiritual experiences with my near death experiences at that point (though there was a close call when I was 13 years old that I will write about sometime for sure and that was an intense spiritual experience).
I want to stress “at that point” above because part 3 will be about my most recent near death experience in 2020 and that was what began my road back to Jesus. As messy as that was…like I said above…I am grateful for it all. I am blessed that I made it here: I accept that I cannot be who I truly am without Jesus Christ. I can honestly say that I can’t function without Holy Spirit. And I wouldn’t be here today without God’s love for us all. Part 2 comes next week where I will write about my 20’s. I will pre-warn you that some content may be triggering to some people that have dealt with abuse or violent situations. I ask that you please pray and discern before reading it next Friday. If you choose to read about the valley of my 20’s in part 2, please know the mountains of God’s miracles that follow are extraordinary and unparalleled. Despite the non-linear way back to Jesus…there was His victory because my heart is forever His. I’m ending this blog with an idea that Pastor Ryan gave his church family last Sunday…insert your name in John 3:16-17 because this is exactly the love I KNOW, FEEL, and write about:
“For God so loved _______ that he gave his one and only Son, so that _______ believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn _______, but to save _______ through him.”
We’re all unconditionally loved and it’s a perpetual prayer of mine that in unity we live to fullest never forgetting The Truth. This leaves me…
#Satisfied
