#2 : 2 - “The Fall aka My 20’s”
It’s Tuesday, July 12, 2025 and I’m starting this blog as I begin to feel a societal shift into The Fall…albeit a little too slow for me because it’s my favorite season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not foolish enough to actually be complaining! 😆. I know this “88” degree weather (my weather app says “feels like 93 degrees”…but who is counting, right? 🤣) will be missed by me and I’m sure many others in our region. I’ve seen school bus drivers replanning routes. I’ve seen teachers prepare their lessons and collect school supplies, and on the oh so rare occasion believe it or not…I see leaves falling. It’s a precursor to Fall time. Things begin to die around us, the remnants get smoked down to ash, those sacred autumn scents every block you walk, and especially the “Goldilocks” of temperatures with subtle breeze that eventually ripens to a crisp in the air that’s unavoidable for me to love. Why? Hoodies! I wish we could wear them all year round (which is debatable in my church’s sanctuary - Lol! ❄️ but for real - I’d rather have it that way than too hot). I may be vibing with unpopular opinions but I love the diversity of opinions on the seasons; they’re all beautiful to me; and there’s just something special hearing others talk or debate about their favorite seasons. I could easily gush all about all the reasons I think that Fall is the superior season (shout out to Fighting Irish Football! 🏈 ). No different than wanting to wear hoodies all year round did I wish in the past that it could be Fall time all year round. Which… let’s ALL take a moment and be honest here - you may be ill if you’re wearing a hoodie outside right now for long periods…complete respect to you because if I did that, the added element of hot flashes may just do me in…so that’s a solid NO thank you for that kind of heat! I know my boundaries. 🤣
In all seriousness, any region couldn’t be Fall time all year round. One of many simplistic answers, “Autumn doesn't function that way.” Why? Nature has to have lived before it dies like all living (future hint: Born Again Christians) beings or things. Like the trees I see more frequently shed leaves that positively contribute to our environment by simply “letting go” we are to also let go. The trees biologically know that the act of letting go happens every year; it’s what God intended for them after all! If we get too comfortable holding on to what no longer serves us, it gives the enemy potential to stagnate us…this would be no different staying in a season we don’t belong in which absolutely goes against God’s plan for His children. We can do to fight stagnation or the enemy’s attacks? From my experience…it’s holy obedience to Jesus while keeping my faith in every season of my life from my colorful rebirth through Him onward. As you are more than likely aware of, writing this is part of my humble calling and dedicated obedience. I was given a visual of submission versus obedience this week and I want to share it. I feel that submission is the precursor to obedience. Submission to me was willingly making the CHOICE internally to submit to Jesus while my obedience was the ACTION upon my willing submission. The Holy Spirit gave me the following “VIM” (Very Important Messages) visual this week while in the process of writing this: “We aren’t meant to maintain in subtle monochromatic submission because much like if it were Fall time all year round…we would never make it to what should evolve into our loud neon obedience.” In order to fully change and come alive again, we must be born again through God’s Only Son, Jesus Christ and submission and obedience are required elements in that relationship. Of course I have days where I complain to Abba or experience times where I feel spiritual attacks (especially during writing this particular blog for some reason). Yet once again I am reminded that the “falling” trees bestow no complaints; instead they radiate the beauty of God’s intention for them through letting go. Abba should hear no complaints from us either and I’ve certainly been guilty of that lately as the process of writing this has been difficult for me. I have been hardcore looking back on 40 years of life this past week and as I am well aware that seasons still shift for us in our day to day lives depending on what happens…the perspectives on the different seasons of my life that I am writing about in the series of my personal testimonial blogs are comprehensive. I am living out my submission to Abba’s will and giving “The Fall of my life” a healthy goodbye through obedience.
“The Fall of my life” (my 20’s) is centered around one night and I can honestly say…it was the longest, most uncomfortable season of my life. I am glad it was only a season. Since I’ve dedicated myself to being authentic here…this part of his particular blog will NOT be like the “autumn spiced” description I painted above as I was dishing about my love for the approaching season because none of this is easy to write about which means my obedience has certainly been tested this week. And as you I love the actual season of Fall, I don’t love The Fall of my life; I will say however…I’ve grown to deeply respect it especially because I have repented, reborn through Jesus Christ, and know that I am no longer the person I was in my Fall. Looking back on all of this now versus being in it are very different perspectives physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am fighting The Enemy with my obedience to Jesus with every word that I type so mentally from my 40 year old self’s perspective…honestly…I never want to be in my 20’s again! Bring on the changing seasons of life Abba because I’d MUCH rather have that! Shout out to Proverbs again because…yeah…that was life-changing for my ecosystemic health. Physically it was taxing because previously in my pregnancy with my daughter, I gained over 100 pounds on my already 200 pound body. It didn’t get any better and I maxed out at 350 pounds. This seems like it shouldn’t matter, but it did. I was always the “big” girl and was obvious. This comes into play when I will write about my rebirthed “Spring” in the future because I lost 170 pounds but it was at a cost. There’s more on what this series will entail later in this blog for clarity. There’s just a broad perspective of views I need to embrace to be able to keep myself open to Holy Spirit as I write this.
So things didn’t work out with my daughter’s father. I was 20 years old, college educated, and working as a phlebotomist in Goshen. I had an apartment in Middlebury, IN and took care of my daughter and myself. Being a typical 20 year old at that time, I began to focus on finding a partner. Internet dating was all the rage in 2005 and I got on a popular dating website (because actual apps weren’t a thing yet-hah!). It wasn’t long before I met a guy who also worked in the medical field and after dating for half a year, we decided to get married (that’s a 20 year old choice right there LOL). For the sake of privacy and respect, I will call this man, “D”. I loved the fact that D came from a seemingly good family because he always treated my daughter like his own until he didn’t. After we got married our relationship was challenged with infidelity on his part. We separated for many months due to his infidelity, however he came from a Catholic family and there was no divorce especially with his mother calling me consistently to talk me out of trying to divorce him. At this time, I am now 21 years old and conflicted, do I stay? Do I get out? I decided to give him grace and try to work through things together. So we re-started our lives. New job in cardiology as I furthered my education and experience. New home. New relationship…right? Just like after getting married to D, our relationship became complex in the highs and lows of control, abuse, and fear; at times it was as if he were jealous of the unconditional love that I had for my daughter. He knew that she was my only opportunity of being a mother so yes…I loved her more than him…it is what it is. Through time, D knew that I had conjured up the bravery to stand up to him if I needed because he had already felt the loss of my daughter and I once. During that time, toxic patterns to gain control over me repeated because we can’t have something new without the loss of the old which also plays into stagnation and like the idea of experiencing one season for the rest of our lives. Essentially D and I just brushed everything under a rug and tried to move forward instead of working through our accruing problems mentally and emotionally…then again I was apprehensive to get back together in the first place but I thought I was trying by agreeing to stay with him…that my friends was NOT enough to save any marriage let alone the one I was in. My 21 year old self didn’t know what to do, who to talk with, or where to go in my life; I knew if I stayed that I would be stuck in dangerous patterns for my daughter and I. I reached out to some people at work about what I was going through to seek advice and help. Through the grapevine of my life and reaching out, I met a firefighter that knew I was married and we ultimately had an affair that no one knew about a couple of close friends on both sides. I had sinned against my husband despite already planning on leaving him quietly out of fear. It was the weekend of Independence Day, specifically July 3, 2007. Before leaving for work that night, my 3 year old daughter was in her room while D and I were in a heated argument that ended in me telling him that I made the choice to follow through on divorcing him and slamming the door. At that point, I didn’t know for sure that he knew about the ongoing affair with the firefighter but I knew D and I were finished. We had a full staff at work that night and I ended up leaving work and going to the firefighter’s to watch fireworks. I started getting text messages from D saying, “If you’re not home by midnight, something bad is going to happen.” I immediately left the firework infused gathering because I felt I needed to get to my daughter asap. On the way, I tried to communicate with D but he wasn’t answering my texts or calls. I got home just before midnight.
I am going to take a moment to pause here because I need to give you some vital context. No matter the season, year, day, month, hour, minute, or second of my life…I have always felt very connected to The Holy Spirit. As a child, my Mom and I would tell each other our dreams in the mornings. This pattern carried on into my young adulthood. I would often tell my mom about two recurring dreams. One of those dreams that I kept telling my mom about was short and was only a broken looped scene each time; nothing new occurred in it. Each time that I had the dream, I found myself in a small room that was warmly and well lit. I only saw white walls and that the room was small but I felt a fear and panic like I had never felt when I had this dream. In the small white room I was guided by a voice to only scream once, quickly lock the door, and to immediately call for help. I would turn to look around the room but I would be abruptly woken up with no answers as to what I should be acting quickly. Most of dreams are me in first person and even when I dream to this day, I USUALLY know there’s a point in the dream that it’s a dream and I still navigate them holding my morals and boundaries despite knowing so the reactions in the dreams are interesting with some of the wild scenarios my brain provides. In the next blog, I will write about another dream that I had after my last near death experience that is indeed wild. Anyways, this recurring dream of me in the small room never had that point where I knew it was a dream no matter the hundreds or thousands of times that it recurred from childhood on up to July 3rd, 2007 and in fact was so surreal that I woke up continuing to feel dread and panic for long periods of time as it felt like a WHEN not an IF. I lived my life as if the dream were an IF because what I walked into that night was still to this day the most horrific experience of my life.
I pulled in the driveway before midnight and I saw a large billowing shadowy smoke in front of the door. Initially I thought the apartment building was on fire but when I got to the door it disappeared into thin air. I opened the door to the building and the same airy mass was in front of the steps leading up to our apartment door. Once again at the door, it dissipated. I open the unlocked door and every light was on. I hear my daughter saying, “Mommy” faintly. I am looking around and see D’s keys, wallet, and other belongings on the kitchen cabinet and I felt an all too familiar internal panic that I had lived with on and off my whole life. I followed the faint voice of my daughter as I entered the recognizable room from my recurring dream that was well lit…the apartment bathroom. The shower curtain was shut yet I saw bloody paw prints from our cat, Lacy on the edge of the bathtub. I opened the shower curtain to see my 3 year old daughter’s body mutilated by stab wounds to the point that I couldn’t perform CPR on her because if I would have tried…she wouldn’t still be alive due to her small body’s state and blood loss. Lacy stayed with my daughter as she was actively dying. I screamed once, locked the door and I called 911. D was not on the scene and went missing for 18 hours after he nearly killed her. Memorial wouldn’t airlift her because the chances of her living were so low and homicide came in to investigate as my daughter was taken to the hospital. The investigator took me to the hospital (the first and only time I’ve ever been in a cop car my whole life other than elementary school field trips) and I saw a large staff of people I worked with trying to save my daughter’s life. Dr. H was a gastro doc that I often saw working at the hospital who was guided by God to take a chance to perform surgery on my daughter to save her life that night. The medical staff kept me updated on her condition and revealed that my daughter had been stabbed over 10 times in her abdomen (they couldn’t precisely tell due to the mutilated state her body was in), 2 of those stab wounds went through her small body. She had spent many hours in surgery with the medical team, Dr. H, and God himself to save her life. The internal rage within me that I was born with grew each time that we got updates on her condition; the exit wounds used for JP drainage tubes, her dominant arm being broken in 3 different places, an earring shoved through her ear, and hair pulled out of her head. There was never a time in my existence that I ever questioned if God was working in that moment…because I always had faith that he was working no matter where I was at in my life even in my anger. I can honestly say, I was never angry with God but rather myself. I will have eventually lived in a self made prison knowing the door was wide open to escape for the following 13 years.
When we all heard the news that my daughter was alive and stable, the gratitude that I experienced was nearly unparalleled. However, dark feelings arose during the investigation after D was caught post his 18 hour hiatus in the woods. It came to light that what happened to my daughter that night was not meant for her but rather myself as he discovered that I was having an affair. He could’ve waited for me to come home and hurt me too, however it was more punishment for me to lose my daughter than it was to lose him…and he knew it. “The Long Fall to Winter” (aka next week’s title) I will write about 13 years worth of where my mind couldn’t accept that the punishment didn’t fit the crime. That is a place I’ll NEVER go back to and in fact, yet another reason I am being obedient and writing about it all. I am no longer ashamed; I have Jesus in my life and he already defeated shame in my place when He died on the cross for our sins. I can confidently say that had Holy Spirit not prepared me my whole life for that night and that if what occurred that night happened to me…neither my daughter or myself would be alive right now because I wouldn’t have been able to call for help for her. With all my heart, mind and soul…I know that my daughter is so very important to God’s kingdom; I am not sure I could have lived without her to be honest. The awe of her strength, massive respect, and unconditional love that I have for that young woman will always be beyond measure. I don’t just believe but rather KNOW that the voice in the recurring dream that I had was Holy Spirit guiding me on what I should be doing in those fragile moments where time is of the essence and humans tend to panic instead of act. The days of my daughter’s physical healing were miraculous and God steered. We had follow up court appointments, mandatory therapy, and a plethora of doctor appointments. Upon my daughter’s last visit to Dr. H when she got cleared with a new bill of health, I never saw a doctor do the following. My daughter was sitting on table in the room for her last check up and Dr. H kneeled down to her as he looked her in the eyes and said, “I want you to know one last thing, those owies…are not your fault.” I’d be lying if I said that I am not tearing up as I write this because it would be approximately a year or two later that Dr. H committed suicide. I had lost hope after reading that news in the paper because he was one of the greatest people I had ever met. To tie up some loose ends of this story, I never spoke to the firefighter again after the investigation was over. For very obvious reasons, D and I’s relationship ended in the divorce it deserved and he got sentenced to 40 years in prison for attempted murder on a child. Indiana graciously and automatically cuts that sentence in half. He served 20 years and recently got out of prison on parole. There were times that we had to fight to keep him in prison while my daughter was a minor which was really disappointing to have to do as it seemed like common sense to me. Best believe I’d fight for my daughter the way that I did all over again…and every day of my life…that’s my amazing kiddo we’re talking about here. <3
Since I am making myself vulnerable and being honest, I have forgiven D because I feel and know that every day I am forgiven. I hope that Jesus has done a magnificent transformation within him because he deserves to have a relationship with Jesus. He also deserves the right to try to live a life beyond a season of his own life which I clearly negatively impacted. I am not perfect but I have undeniable faith and facts that confirm that I am forgiven. I am grateful for how Holy Spirit works through me so I realize now more than ever that we deserve to see the perspective of others even when we may have negative feelings towards them…in other words...I see things differently because I am different and Jesus is the reason. I have no anger because it’s too much baggage we aren’t meant to carry around but I rather have prayers for a better life for everyone involved and impacted. I can’t say enough how grateful I am for my support system of family and friends. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t walk in gratitude.
The guilt of the entire situation consumed me and that open doored prison I lived in for the next 13 years was hard emotionally, mentally, and physically as “The Fall of my life” wasn’t like the actual season I love…but again…I respect it because I learned a lot of hard lessons which I will write about in part 3. God was already working in me as a massive part of myself died in The Fall along with my daughter’s natural knowledge of childhood immortality dying as well. Our fall requires the death of old ways so Jesus can restore us into His way. Initially, I wanted this to be a 3 part testimonial series, however I am being led to keep a comprehensive perspective of the 4 seasons of my testimony so I consider my birth, Spring (it’s funny because I was actually born in Spring too), Summer would be child to young adulthood as life is in typically an active season, Fall you just read about. Next week’s blog will be Winter focused. I will have two more after that for my testimony. One will be Spring where a lot of very real and spiritual things happened that changed my life so I really encourage you to stick with me through this process because I didn’t stay in that prison and my last near death experience will be Spring which I will end with Summer because it’s fitting seeing Summer is winding down.
I may not be in a prison any longer…but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t remind myself of who I have been, where I came from, and what God wants me to be now and future forward. Why do I remind myself of all of this? It seems like a lot for the mind. It should be because I want to be as humble as possible and to do my best to give the grace that’s been given to me by Abba through Jesus and my loving family. In the end, none of us are perfect and we all sin. My favorite hoodie that I own bears a quote that changed my life. “You can’t throw stones while washing feet.” Through my repentance and being born again through Jesus Christ, I long to wash feet instead of throwing stones. I hope that you carry the divine grace of Abba to do the same. Knowing my daughter’s life was so important to God that she lived through that experience, realizing I don’t have to live in one season my whole life let alone a prison filled season, feeling that we are all unconditionally loved, and that I am fully restored through Jesus’ sacrifice leaves me…
#Satisfied
