#2 : 3 - “The Long Fall to Winter aka my 20’s -30’s”
This marks my 4th blog which means I’ve been at this for a month now. As I am walking with Jesus, I can tell that my personal disciplines have positively changed; I will note that the change happened before this…but it’s interesting to see it from a holy perspective instead of my own. To those that read this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have gotten really positive feedback from this Holy Spirit guided “project” or whatever this is or will be. I am merely the vessel for this ministry in God’s kingdom here and in Heaven. I’ve dedicated myself to do my best to remove myself from these situations that I write about because I got the opportunity to go back and see them from a different perspective. During my last freedom session, there was a part where I was to reflect upon these moments of my life that I am writing about right here and now…and to “visualize” God working in those moments. I quote “visualize” because I feel if we are open to what Abba has offered us and continues to offer us unconditionally…you won’t just visualize it…you’ll experience it AND get a point of view you have never seen before. All you have to do is be as open as you can be with others, Holy Spirit, Jesus, and Abba. I understand that at times this can be difficult. I’m still working through some of that myself. I am typically a shy person if I don’t know others well…but I have begun working on that through my biblical community which also includes new friends from the freedom ministry we have. So approximately a month ago was when this freedom session I had changed my life because as shy as I feel…this isn’t like me to be so open to others, Holy Spirit, Jesus, and Abba. I really pour my authentic heart into this because I truly believe that I am where I am at for a reason. If I am being honest, I still don’t know what that reason is…but I am going to continue being obedient; when I am obedient…that’s when I feel the real luxuries of life like extraordinary freedom, unconditional love, true faith to a living God, and holy guidance beyond measure. So if we are to experience the fruits of our faith and obedience, realizing that it is only through Jesus that we are able to cultivate that in the first place is essential. That's the start of that “monochromatic submission” which should turn into searingly (oh yeah I’m going the extra mile with adjectives this time around!) loud neon obedience. Monochrome “colors” aren’t aesthetically bad to look at…but there’s a reason we don’t watch things in just black, “grey”/”gray” or white anymore. We got our perspectives changed. Allow me to rabbit hole a different perspective on “grey” for you: I believe our “American accents” changed that “e” to an “a” so I typically go with the “e” version…I’ll just go be a Brit with Nikky and Pippa Gumbel - IYKYK - https://alphausa.org. Anyways, our lives are meant to experience life in all of God’s colors and I believe as many perspectives within respective seasons as well. I find no coincidence in the fact that colors also change with the seasons and “‘round these parts” we are blessed to be able to experience all 4 seasons as we know them.
For those of you that are just beginning to read this blog, I hope it helps impact your life in some way, shape, or form. In this dedicated journey with Jesus into submission, obedience, and fishing for God’s people, this blog was created. To “briefly” catch you up, the first blog, I needed to reveal my part in this process but even more importantly…Holy Spirit’s part in this. I was soon called to do the difficult task of doing this massive internal “life review” which at one point in life would have broken me. I can look back on it now from a very powerful perspective that I wouldn’t have seen without Jesus in my life. I am not alone; not only is that Biblical but it’s a genuine persistent feeling in Jesus’s love for us. There are people everywhere during these massive spreads of revival (it’s all around us friends) authentically experiencing Jesus; His return is coming and I want nothing more than to see you again one day or get the opportunity to meet you if we never get to here on Earth. Even outside of revival or our personal relationships with Jesus..everyone has a story… everyone. That’s how I have reminded myself consistently to remove my perspectives as much as possible because even people we may not like, have personal perspectives. Maybe we feel they don’t deserve to communicate those perspectives because they’ve wronged us so badly so “their perspective doesn’t matter”. You’re not wrong for acknowledging the hurt…you’re wrong when you choose to stay in the hurt and let it affect your quality of life physically, mentally, emotionally, and even more so…spiritually. I can also say with confidence that if we let hurt affect us to those ecosystemic elements…the patterns will repeat so if you don’t grow in places you’re being called to grow in…you’ll learn lessons the hard way and do it over again…and again…and again……and again until God puts you where he wants you. If you’re a believer…you know there’s no denying God’s way; HALLELUJAH! To break patterns that no longer served me post my transformation through Jesus, I had to allow Holy Spirit to guide me in ways that I have never been guided before. In the process of writing this blog, Holy Spirit said, “We deserve to see things from other’s perspectives because if done obediently, we get blessed by gaining priceless wisdom if we're open to it. We are bonding (side note from me: remember “walking each other home” in the previous blog) through eyes of grace when we allow ourselves alternate perspectives but especially alternate perspectives that may challenge our own for God’s kingdom.” Does this mean that we should always be BFFs with the people that hurt us? That depends on your hurt and your calling…but you should pray to Jesus before anything. The point is, I had to get into a deep state of humility to suppress my views and gain perspective to be able to write let alone write vulnerably at all. If you’ve not read the previous blogs, I encourage you to so you have a broader perspective of your own because it’s a gift…not a weakness.
Also, for those of you left wondering like I would (I’m a huge animal lover), Lacy the cat that was with my daughter the night that she was hurt… IS STILL ALIVE and lives with my daughter’s father and his wife. She’s an old gal, and there’s not a day that I am not grateful for her even from so far away.
The aftermath of what happened to my daughter defined my life for the next 13 years-15 years respectively in a mental prison cell; I am being generous with time because sometimes I look back and think “was I still in prison at that time”? My choices were questionable enough to make me further reflect on this. So in this aftermath,I was around 22 years old. My daughter’s father and I tried working things out after what happened to my daughter, however trying to make it all work for a blend of comfort, familiarity, trauma bonding, my mind being silently incarcerated, and our daughter instead of love for each other and our family (especially our daughter) really wasn’t healthy for anyone involved. We would end that relationship for the second and last time. Afterwards, we managed to co-parent really well for the most part. I believe overall that my daughter and I got pretty blessed in that area of our lives despite the differences we had along the way. We always seemed to have made better friends. I needed a friend in the aftermath and even though we decided to not be together…I knew I had a friend at the very least.
I’m going to verbally paint the visual for this time in my life. At some point when a person goes to jail or prison there’s always a part where the prison guard guides someone into the cell where one “serves time”. I quote this because despite being well aware that my primary love language by a long shot from the others is “quality time”…I know EVERYONE’S time here is important and so does the law which is why “serving time” feels unbearably cold…we are losing a vital element to our life that we will never get back. I was serving my own time in a cell with visuals from the night that I saw my daughter nearly dead repeating on the ceiling, each wall, and on the floor as if they’re looped videos. I was led into a prison where the enemy COULDN’T SHUT THE DOOR BECAUSE HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO SO. The version of me in prison…didn’t care if the door was open though. In fact, it didn’t care about a lot things like being judged by others. I find it no coincidence that my church’s pastor last week (shout out to Jr. - such a great message!) said in his message, “our past DOES follow us but DOES NOT define us”. I couldn’t see that at the time in being judged by others, the enemy, and worst of all myself. I didn’t care about being judged because the worst had already happened and anything anyone could say to me…didn’t matter in an unhealthy way, besides…I was in prison and the prison was freezing me in the perpetual winter of a prison cell where I felt being frozen in stagnation was my only option. The reality of the structured prison may have been forged in guilt and sin I’m here to let you know THE TRUTH that ONLY by the blood of JESUS CHRIST was I able to find the long journey to freedom from that prison cell, from Winter, and from the enemy himself.
In that previous timeline of being in prison, it was “Mad Max rules because…there were no set of rules or consequences for anything, but the enemy made sure that I knew each moment that I was a prisoner.
The recurring dream from my childhood still haunted me because the broader perspective that I got through the horrific experience and trying to merely manage through the aftermath was a massive struggle.
My daughter spent around a week in the hospital I worked at before she was released. It was truly a miracle it was such a short amount of time for all her little body had been through. This is very difficult to write about because not only did I feel guilt for what happened…I felt guilt when I looked at my own daughter’s precious face. She was living and breathing in front of me yet all I could see was her glazed over eyes as her last words would have been “Mommy.” I needed an escape from the immense guilt and I didn’t know what to do because this was the part I was never prepared for and who honestly would be? The recurring dream from my childhood still haunted me despite somewhat preparing me for that night…things like that only so far for humans though; God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are the only ones that know ALL. I was surely divinely guided to what helped keep my daughter alive that night and as I never had faith that the dream itself meant anything (especially in childhood)…it had way more significance after that night. Beyond that, I was in uncharted territory as I’ve literally never been arrested, sent to jail let alone prison and I intend to keep it that way. I felt like I needed an escape! I wanted nothing more than to throw myself back into work; back on 3rds, back with my cardiac crew, back on a “normal” sleep schedule. In my hindsight to this very moment, Holy Spirit just said, “Back (in a deeper sense backwards) doesn’t mean normal”. I am “today years old” getting that message in the process of my sanctification. To give you context to what happened the night I knew I had a real mental health issue after what happened to my daughter I have to go back to my teenagehood for a moment. There was a period of time in my teenagehood that I struggled with cutting but I ultimately and thankfully grew out of it. I didn’t think that would ever reappear in my life but the version of myself in prison…didn’t care if it returned. As children when we do something wrong, what happens? Typically, we get in trouble and hopefully learn a lesson. What happens when someone commits a crime? Sometimes it’s a ticket, sometimes it’s a sentence; hopefully with growth to be gained in ending negative patterns. What happens to an adult that cheated on her spouse and considered herself a “catalyst” to her daughter nearly dying in front of her? Once again, no set of rules nor set of consequences for that ugly combination. There was NO ESCAPING. Work went fine when I could mentally handle going because working at THAT hospital contributed to my prison. Cutting reappeared in my life…I didn’t care about myself…and it wasn’t in a selfless way either. I went to work one night and I had on long sleeves to cover my tattoos (it still makes me laugh to this day that I am at an age that lived out covering up our tattoos and now we see them everywhere). I didn’t realize I had “sprung a leak” being on blood thinners and all. My charge nurse “T” felt something was off with me immediately. T guided me into our supply room and began pushing buttons to get out dressings. AFTER she got the supplies out, she lifted up my sleeve, looked at my wounds, and simply said, “Oh Mama Bear.” I’ll never forget how she said “Oh Mama Bear” because the tonality of God’s grace in her words at that moment…currently make me smile after just crying about the guilt of seeing my daughter’s face. There’s no doubt that God appointed T to be the North Star in guiding me to help from one “Mama Bear” and friend to another. <3
“Help” looked weird because I couldn’t be honest about where my mind was. Sure, I had my fair share of mental health issues as a teenager…but this was beyond that. How do you tell others about a prison no one else can see? So I said nothing out of fear of looking weaker than I already felt like. We know things are really bad when doctors are throwing medications at you after a trauma without proper diagnosis. Doctors were throwing psych meds at me left and right because it was a midwest town where PTSD was not a common diagnosis in civilianhood at that time despite it being 1980 when it was added as an actual medical code. My body continuously had adverse reactions to them because I didn’t need medication…I needed therapy (and Jesus but He would come a bit later as I was lukewarm in my faith at that time-no denial but no walk, submission, or obedience). I always thought therapy was silly but the more I went through it…the more I understood the therapist was seeing things from many perspectives to help me. So I was diagnosed with PTSD which has quite an array of symptoms that come with it. To share a bit about PTSD with you (because I won’t lie to you-I still struggle with this currently) I went to Mayo Clinic’s website which states, “Generally, PTSD symptoms are grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions.” They go on to elaborate about the lengthy list of potential symptoms humans can experience, which also varies from person to person:
Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:
Unwanted, distressing memories of a traumatic event that come back over and over again.
Reliving a traumatic event as if it were happening again, also known as flashbacks.
Upsetting dreams or nightmares about a traumatic event.
Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of a traumatic event.
Symptoms of avoidance may include:
Trying not to think or talk about a traumatic event. (There was no escape for me on this one.)
Staying away from places, activities or people that remind you of a traumatic event.
Negative changes in thinking and mood.
Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:
Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world.
Ongoing negative emotions of fear, blame, guilt, anger or shame.
Memory problems.
Feeling detached from family and friends.
Not being interested in activities you once enjoyed.
Having a hard time feeling positive emotions.
Feeling emotionally numb.
Changes in physical and emotional reactions.
Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions include:
Being easily startled or frightened.
Always being on guard for danger.
Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast.
Trouble sleeping.
Trouble concentrating.
Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior.
Physical reactions, such as sweating, rapid breathing, fast heartbeat or shaking.
If it was bolded above, I was experiencing all of that personally. One of the many painful elements in the midst of all of this was that I had forgotten all of my music theory and now adding to the unfamiliar diagnosis…I had to somehow navigate different cognitive functions with learning. I was so frustrated with myself that I didn’t even try, which is sad because I spent A LOT of time investing in Music. I was a flute player from the end of 3rd grade up to 9th grade. I switched to choir and ended up lettering in it. I even served on my church’s worship team as a vocalist. Like Time, Music was always one of the most important elements in my life and it broke my heart that I had seemed to have just “forgotten” it all. It was too difficult for me to accept so I gave up because maybe just maybe at that point…I was getting used to and albeit comfortable in that cell because the enemy let me know ”it’s what I deserved”. Remember above when I said that we aren’t wrong for acknowledging hurt but we aren’t meant to live in it”? I was aware of that concept even back then, but I’d spend my time doing my best to “live a normal life” and do my best to put one foot in front of the other…except there’s one problem in all of this…I’m still in my prison at that point.
Time went on and I eventually met a man (we’re going to call him JC - this is not an abbreviation for Jesus Christ but this man deserves to have a proper-ish identity and so does Jesus so I won’t ever abbreviate the name of Jesus for the record LOL). I was married to JC for 8 years in my middle 20’s to early 30’s. He was understanding of my PTSD and I was able to share the truth of everything (including my prison) with him without fear of judgment. I always felt authentically loved. He came with an amazing son and I had the most extraordinary daughter. Not quite “Brady Bunch” but it was as cute because we both got to help raise one of each gender from the other spouse. At the time we got married, JC was in college and I continued working in the medical field as a cardiac technician. At times, that job was very demanding on a 300 pound body and for some reason I kept gaining weight. The moment I knew I had an issue was when JC and I were at a wedding that we genuinely were looking forward to being at. It was Autumn and we made it to the wedding but I couldn’t stay for the reception because I was doubled over in abdominal pain. I didn’t know what was going on. Once again, I had to get back into the “ring” and fight for my health when I didn’t particularly want to because of my prison dwelling mindset. Eventually, I went to a gynecologist that diagnosed me with PCOS and let me know there’s a tumor growing in my uterus. Finances began to take a toll as I needed quite a few surgeries (eventually a whole hysterectomy) and further medical care. I was watching my marriage sink financially and the guilt of my prison reminded me that I didn’t deserve him and even more so that he didn’t deserve to sink because of me and my health issues. JC and I got a divorce all too easily and even though things all turned out the way they should have for us both, I realize now more than ever that those reasons my imprisoned mind was in were not reasons at all to get a divorce. I’ve not been married since that divorce and believe me…I am at perfect peace with that, LOL; not because it was negative for me because it wasn’t…but rather I feel a relationship is a privilege to be in along with the will of God so if it happens for me…so be it. If it doesn’t, I still know that I am loved regardless by first and foremost so any extra love is all a bonus. As far as JC goes, he is happily remarried to a wonderful woman and together they birthed into this world a beautiful baby girl. We remain in friendly communication checking in on one another from time to time; I am blessed to be able to see where God has positively led him and his family in their Catholic faith and overall in their lives.
As for me, post divorce…I stayed in prison “where I belonged”. As I posted in a previous blog, for as long as my Mom and I can remember, I always gravitated towards “outcasts”, “mistfits” or “underdogs”. To me, they were always extraordinary and I did my best to see them through the eyes of Jesus in my childhood. One of my fellow misfits was a guy we will call “D”. D is important to my story because I had known him in elementary school and he was one of my very best friends. Of course we were opposite genders so others didn’t understand fully but I always had a heart for him. He grew up in a Jehovah’s Witness family and lived a very tough life full of abuse and fear of abandonment. I didn’t know that as a child of course, but this proves that Holy Spirit was working inside of me even back then. If you know anything about Jehovah's Witnesses, they don’t celebrate holidays of any kind. This means in elementary school, D was forced to sit in the hallways at school and not participate. The elementary school we went to was so “hood” that we didn’t even have internal walls (true story-I got yearbooks to prove it). There was NO way that I was going to let my bestie sit outside each holiday and be alone with NOTHING! So I would “be the fat girl” and get extra plates of goodies, grab extra crayons, coloring books, or whatever I could to help make him feel included and sneak them out to D. I can’t imagine being that young and forced to be more alone than he already was. After moving and changing school systems D and I lost communication of course. For the last two years of my high school career, I went to what was called “The Career Center”. The Career Center is a place where kids from all over the area go and learn trades and I graduated in Administration. I actually remember seeing D at The Career Center, but he was quite…wild in his 6’7” well known self. I didn’t go out of my way to talk with him either due to his hyperactivity which didn’t mesh well with my shyness.
Fast forward to after my divorce with JC and still trying to navigate walking forward in my personal prison…my daughter and I lived in an apartment together and at this time she was in middle school. I had a friend from elementary on Facebook that was also friends with D and before I knew it, I got a friend request from D. We ended up dating, moving in together, and we even attended a Methodist church he attended with his grandparents. During this relationship with D, I continued to struggle with my weight and my health was declining. In 2018, doctors encouraged me to get bariatric surgery. Thanks to my friends at Mayo Clinic again, they define the Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery that I had as “a type of weight-loss surgery that involves creating a small pouch from the stomach and connecting the newly created pouch directly to the small intestine. After gastric bypass, swallowed food will go into this small pouch of stomach and then directly into the small intestine, thereby bypassing most of your stomach and the first section of your small intestine.” I was rapidly melting away from 350-159 (the lowest I got). This is important information for “my Spring” because this would be the catalyst to my near death experience in Winter of 2020. So as I am melting away, I got a new job as the church’s office administrator and even got the opportunity to help out with the amazing charity there. The charity helped a wide range of people, including the growing homeless community so I always got to meet a wide range of diverse people looking for assistance. Looking back on D and I’s relationship, I realize that I was chasing a childhood story for no just cause. It was the fake “follow your heart-happy ending” garbage culture tries to feed us. My daughter and I dealt with things NO ONE should have to put up with, especially after all we had been through at that point in our lives. D’s past defined him and he was a 350 pound 6’ 7” alcoholic that never let me forget that “I cheated to lose weight”. At one point I had to stand between D and my daughter because he was going to hurt her. He never got out of the childhood pain he experienced and he took it out on my daughter and I in ways that became unhealthy and unsafe. I did my best to help better his life as it’s always my goal to “leave people better than I have found them”. There was no “better” for D though I hope and pray that Jesus flooded his life because he was miserable. Misery loves company and the company he kept was far from healthy. These unhealthy connections were friends of his which I maintained to be friends with after our relationship ended because those people helped me feel like I actually didn’t belong in the prison of my mind though no one still knew about the prison because being that vulnerable was never on my radar especially in my shyness and shame. There are two friends of D’s that will be pivotal to how I got to where I am today. One of the connections I made during D and I’s relationship was a guy named “TD” whom was a decade older than I with a silver tongue and some serious underlying demons I chose to ignore later on down the road because I felt “I could help him”. Yet, I was struggling to help myself let alone my daughter who saw me remain in the tundra of a prison as we lived with my best friend at the time, her husband and their two kids. I was there for about 3 months before I got a place of my own again. I remained working at the church, and later began a relationship with TD. D of course found out and it was not an easy time for anyone involved.
I am going to wait until next week to write about TD and I’s relationship because it is a major factor to my last near death experience which is what truly began my journey back to having a relationship with Jesus. It is vital that I write about my last near death experience as open, honest, and detailed as I possibly can because friends…let me tell you…God is very real. I’ve been blessed to have that experience of His unparalleled power…hearing Abba’s voice that made me “get up” and experience Spring time from a different perspective I had never experienced before. We don’t have to choose to stay imprisoned in our pain…this gives the enemy “an angle to work on”. Pain isn’t a weakness, but staying in it absolutely is…and we aren’t meant to be stagnant or frozen in our “Winters” because there’s freedom through and with Jesus and because of that, I am so very…
#Satisfied
