#2 : 4 - “Ever Spring - 30’s-40 (Present)”
I’d like to open this blog up with a mini story. A year and a half ago, the son of a person that I knew was in middle school and had asked me to write a song with him. This middle schooler wanted to write about “Arnold The Ex-Terminator”. The idea sounded healthily absurd and sounded silly and therefore I was all about it! I was so excited that I was included in his plan to write a song at all let alone a parody! In my downtime and breaks at work that day, I had worked hard to create the first verse in rhythm with no notes or chords to it at that time. I was stoked that I had something to bring to the table. That evening I am sitting on the floor while continuing to write the song. The young man comes out of his bedroom and says, “Hey! What are you doing?” I replied, “Writing our song, silly!” He began to laugh into his next statement, “I already have it done!” I was VERY perplexed at this point. I mean, I know I’m “old” but I’m not THAT old!!! My mind is still very strong! How did this kid write the melody, two verses, a bridge, and choruses in between all on a school day?! He saw the confusion on my face (put a “pin” in this word confusion) and began to laugh again. He handed his tablet over to me. At the top I saw “Chat GPT”. Of course, Artificial Intelligence. How nice. For those of you that don’t know me…I HATE AI!!! I think it makes humanity lazy and quite frankly we’re feeding it everything it needs to survive. The enemy loves chaos and confusion…in my humble opinion…AI is a false God. I don’t like it. I never will. I am well aware that it’s hard to avoid AI with some technological elements, however I do my best to avoid it like the plague on humanity that it is. I have not been accused of using AI, however I know that this day in age…confusion is key to enemy attacks. All that being said…I NEVER use AI for this blog and I NEVER will. This is all the gift that God gave me, friends. I have dedicated myself to what Holy Spirit has called me to do which means I am to take my extra time above and beyond working a normal work day in Cardiology to write all of this. I value my time and yours so I will never cut corners on what I am doing here. My intention with this blog is pure and I will forever and always be happy and grateful to go above and beyond for Jesus. I am intentionally being obedient to Abba despite being in a world full of distractions.
Speaking of previous distractions, this is a prime time to bring up TD and I’s on again off again relationship we had from approximately 2019 to 2021. I normally wouldn’t elaborate on such a relationship but it’s pivotal to get this context and healthy to be vulnerable. I am being 100 when I say, I have been fully healed and restored from all of this all glory to Jesus.
TD was the “cool guy” who was EVERYONE’S “friend” that any 30 something year old not living a Christian life would hope to come across; guitar in hand, ripped jeans, and a soul that was as dead as his faith itself because as a proclaimed atheist. He was also a decade older than I with an adder’s silver tongue so in retrospect there was no way he could have ever possibly been more than a temporary distraction. Yet all while still being in the prison cell, it would seem that I had more lessons to learn the hard way because he was one of the people I spent the most time with. I am grateful that I grew from that because everyone around me saw me starting to become something I wasn’t (an alcoholic). Is he to blame? Nope. I take full responsibility for my own choices and actions. Did he contribute to my choices? Absolutely. How? I am happy to explain this…so in college at IU, I was a “Peer Mentor” for new college students and it was like being an assistant teacher. I enjoyed it a lot despite it being difficult at times too (like grading papers and students being belligerent about their results lol). So anyways, during my time as a peer mentor, I was always looking for resources to help students. I came across some of Jim Rohn’s work. Jim was an American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker that coined the idea that, “We as individuals are made up of an average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” As someone that understands the value of “Quality Time” (going back to love languages here-to take the test to find yours visit: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes) I can see the validity in what Jim was trying to communicate and take it for what it’s worth through discernment. TD kept a lot of things hidden from me in our relationship like being married and being an alcoholic. Real talk…I HATE the taste of alcohol as much as I HATE AI. I can handle a little VERY sweet wine or champagne every now and then, but I don’t really drink consistently; I drink to celebrate on the rare occasions I partake with others. I never had an issue drinking alcohol prior to that time in my life and I never had an issue after that time in my life, yet for one Summer of my life, I began to be an alcoholic which is truly out of the ordinary for me. This leads me to believe that Jim’s idea had validity within it. The pastors at my church talk about how we as people are constantly being influenced and formed by something or someone. Typically, these messages are about culture shaping us but right now I am applying the valid concept of Jim Rohn’s idea regarding the sum of who we are (forming) is influenced by the top 5 people we spend time with. Here’s the kicker friends…they also talk about the fact that we have the choice to allow what we are formed by. That is where my personal responsibility comes in. I had many times I knew that he was not good for me, my daughter, or any quality of life one could imagine… but I tried keeping it together to be his “June Carter”. It was a dysfunctional mindset for me to have as it was unholy and codependent despite feeling like I had his best interest in mind. On his part, he was a compulsive liar and I consistently let things slide except eventually that got exhausting. I had no balance caring for myself as I did for others. I always internally felt like I didn’t matter because I was being fed lies from the enemy and the person that claimed to love me and ALL of that CONFUSED me. Lies are a disconnection from authentic communication so that IS INDEED chaos and confusion…both things the enemy thrives off of (side note…going back to AI…that also operates in chaos and confusion…no coincidences there). I knew in my heart that I was more than “nothing” despite being told by the enemy that I didn’t deserve to breathe, my voice was annoying, no one wanted to listen to me, and what I said and felt didn’t matter. The enemy would put salt in my wounds by bringing up my past with doctors not caring to take my words into consideration, moments where I felt I wasn’t listened to by others, and internally knowing the lies TD was telling to create “resources” for his lies. So at that time I still had no freedom…I had felt like nothing…and I wasn’t living into my faith despite knowing The Truth. I find it no coincidence that I felt like nothing and had no freedom despite being fully aware of The Truth because if we aren’t living into our faith…we got nothing. This is where submission and obedience should enter…but I still had many lessons to learn at that point. Did I need to repent and get renewed in my faith? Absolutely! That comes in Summer because I am on FIRE FOR JESUS NOW MORE THAN EVER! But we gotta’ get through the Spring first, afterall God’s Truth (The Bible) tells us that there’s a time and a season for everything.
My daughter and I had a beautiful home together and TD lived 40-ish minutes away from us and would often stay at the house with us as he worked several miles down the road we lived off of. This was more convenient for him at the time which is right on par for his mindset since he was regularly drinking, driving, and being self centered. Despite the fact that TD was still drinking, it had been months awhile as it had been months since I had drank alcohol and it felt good. By this time it was late Fall/Early Winter in 2020 and the pandemic was in full swing. One night, TD wanted to use our home to have a couple friends from Fort Wayne over for the night to play some board games. I know this wasn’t completely right because seeing people during that time was a “no-no” but it’s also not natural to be secluded and in my humble opinion…seclusion is always the first step in attacking us. And besides, I had already had Covid and quite frankly I wasn’t scared…I was actually looking forward to seeing the couple we invited over. Sadly, when I had Covid prior to this night, it took a toll on my body because it damaged my sense of smell. Everyone made it to our home that night and by the time I got home from running errands and grabbing food for all of us. I immediately got out of my car to greet the guests before I carried in groceries and the food. In the hustle and bustle of trying to get things set up, everyone heard TD’s buddy ask him in surprise, “Whoa dude! Have you been drinking?” and he waved his hand in front of his nose like he smelled something bad. I looked at TD and gave him the, “Really?” look. Internally, I was furious because even though I had an issue for a very short period in my life…it was enough to NEVER want to go back. TD’s response was a shrug before he focused on entertaining the friends. I looked at his buddy who mentioned the fact TD was drinking and he gave me a sad look. It didn’t take long before TD passed out from his drinking. That left me to happily entertain the friends we had over until about 10pm with board games, food, and deep talks about who TD was since they were life-long friends of his that knew him deeply to the point they had me questioning everything that night. I was really upset he was drinking because I was under the impression that he was sober…or so he said. I felt like I was being taken advantage of…because I was at the time…yet I allowed it as well because I knew better. His friends revealed huge chunks of his past to me and I became disillusioned. I was also extremely exhausted like I had never felt in my life. I find it no surprise that I was exhausted because at this time, I was nearly 3 years out from having bariatric surgery and I had literally been complaining to the surgeon that I wasn’t feeling well straight out of surgery in 2018. My pleas for help fell on his deaf ears and it felt like I wasn’t being heard…again because apparently to him, feeling like I was going to pass out consistently, the excruciating stomach pain, and still being on a liquid/puree diet was “normal”. What wasn’t normal that particular night was going to bed at 10pm on a weekend but I listened to my body because I felt I had no choice and little did I know…I actually didn’t.
What I am about to explain to you may seem like “TMI” (too much information) but in order for the authenticity of this already unorthodox miracle to shine through, I will be revealing things that I typically wouldn’t in everyday conversations. So I went to bed at 10pm and I woke up around 1am and thought I had to pee. Anyone that knows me, knows I ALWAYS lock my car doors, I ALWAYS lock my house door, and I ALWAYS lock the bathroom door even if it’s for a brief moment to go pee. Some of those are logical for safety. Maybe some of those are “traumatic responses” from all the family pranks we played on each other throughout the years LOL…but in all seriousness, I didn’t lock the bathroom door that night. “Something” (Holy Spirit) told me that I should keep it unlocked. I got out of bed near effortlessly without feeling like I was going to pass out. I had no warning as to what was going to occur next. I remember making it to the bathroom but I didn’t remember where I went after I sat down on the toilet. I wouldn’t have known if the world itself was on fire because I was no longer here at that time. In reality, my body hit the floor and I had no idea…and no sense of time.
Have you ever been camping and wandered out into the woods at night as you’re looking up at the stars? It’s pitch black all around you, but somehow you have enough moonlight and starlight to JUUUUUST be able to move safely…if you’re lucky LOL. That atramentous visual would be like Las Vegas lights compared to what I experienced. I was taken to a place with no distractions…it was pitch black. I’ve never been in a darker place in my entire life. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t even know if I was where I was or what was happening because last I knew…I just wanted to simply and successfully relieve my bladder. I didn’t know if I even had a mouth to speak with or ears to listen. In the depths of darkness, I could see a light but I could never see where the light was coming from no matter how hard I looked. It looked as if I were standing on water or in shallow water and the reflection of the light was well seen on the water. The light was a mesmerizing type of light that I had never seen before (similar to never seeing darkness like I had before) and I was trying to lock my eyes onto it. I feel like it kept moving and I was chasing it…because I was.
Have you ever heard an audio track where you hear a single person’s voice but it’s artistically layered with a harmonic voice? In the distractionless place I was in, I CLEARLY heard a man’s voice that was distorted because it also sounded like my mom’s voice say, “Get the F*CK up!” Yes, that’s right…the F word;that time and EACH TIME it would be reiterated that word was verbally exaggerated/emphasized. I am going to take time to pause the story for a moment here because the following is very important. I have often pondered on keeping that curse word out of this part of my testimony out of respect and also because to me, curse words aren’t typically necessary. They weren’t necessary in my family either…but ESPECIALLY that particular one. My mom has heard me tell this story time and time again and it’s my calling to tell the truth and share authenticity here…anything short of that is cutting corners and I already established that I am not doing that. The number of times that I can recall hearing my mom say the “F” word in my lifetime could probably be counted on 1 hand AND it was in moments of immediate danger that I heard her say it. With that context merged with the voice sounding like a guy but the voice was distorted to sound like my mom’s (I could blatantly hear the layers) AND this voice was using the “F” word, I became aware that this was not a coincidence yet I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to do what the voice wanted me to. I replied to the voice, “No.” I got, “Get the “F” up!” So I began seeing a pattern already here, “I don’t want to.” I said. In reality, my eyes opened and my face was smashed against the bathroom floor in a large puddle of my own drool. I tried getting up but I went right back down. This would occur approximately 6–7 times and each time I went back down to the floor, I was taken right back to the dark place with water and a light I couldn’t see and continued to argue with the voice when I was there. The last time I went down, I raised a white flag and decided to have more dialogue with the voice as I poured myself out, “Look, I don’t want to get up. My daughter is getting older and I have screwed up enough with her…she has my family and doesn’t need me. I am dating an alcoholic that uses me and doesn’t love me…he’ll move on effortlessly. My family has each other…they will heal. I am tired and I am now well aware that I am on blood thinners bleeding internally. I am not in pain and I suppose if there was a way to go…this would be the way to go.” I meant every word at the time because I felt peace in letting go of my life that Jesus gave me. The voice became more urgent and only replied, “Get the “F” up!”. It would be the ONLY response I would get out of this voice that night AT ALL. In my mind, I can easily separate my mom’s voice from the other voice…and I’d recognize the voice of God any day, especially now more than ever since leaning into my faith. The last time I got up, to my surprise I opened the door and TD was standing right there and caught me as I fell down again. Blood began to come out of nearly every orifice. An ambulance had to be called and by the time that I got to the ER, it was like the scene from The Exorcist. I was projectile vomiting blood up. My BP was critically low and I ended up having 2 emergent blood transfusions though this would be a regular thing during that hospital stay as I was diagnosed with a major GI Bleed. The medical crew got me stabilized with transfusions and initial surgery. Since all of this was during the pandemic, no one was allowed in or out of the hospital and it was a VERY tough hospital stay (shout out to my mom for putting up with me-I love you so much). Eventually, I would go to have to have the whole bariatric surgery revised in Indianapolis because the surgeon that didn’t listen to me…well it turns out he botched the surgery and didn’t want to take responsibility for it. So in the middle of all of this, the truth of not being heard by the surgeon was salt in a wound because as cliche as this may seem, the EMTs said had I waited any longer…I wouldn’t be writing this blog here and now.
So I had the surgery revised in 2021 but still had to be on a puree/liquid diet for some time which took a toll on my body for sure despite taking vitamins like clockwork. For the people that ask me if I would do the surgery again with all the knowledge I have now…I can’t say that I would and I can’t say that I wouldn’t because either is irrelevant. The truth of it all is, I did have it done and it is NOT the easy way to lose weight. I can say, I would have given myself more time to discern having the surgery done before getting it but I did spend A LOT of time in classes and jumping through hoops too. So I can’t say one way or another. As someone that works with a wonderful cardiologist, I can say that if you eat healthy, exercise, and have faith that you can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens us…you’ll be sitting pretty in your perfectly made image bearing self.
I ended up breaking up with TD after that but it was difficult because I felt guilty that he caught me as I fell for the last time in the bathroom that night. The last freedom session I had…I saw God had put him there because the chances of this guy waking up out of his drunken sleep was impossible. There were a lot of impossible things that happened that night but God is The God of the impossible and I have NO doubt that he used my mom’s voice under his and used a word she does NOT use to get my attention to get up.
I had a non-linear path back to Jesus after that despite KNOWING in my heart that God saved me. The thing is…you can’t have JUST GOD…Jesus and The Holy Spirit are VITAL because they’re one in the same…there is no one without the other. I was focused on finding God. I wanted to know the answers to His universe and I wouldn’t stop until I was satisfied. The non-linear path led me to a path of spirituality without proper faith. I had a gift of prophecy and I essentially prostituted that gift for money because I read tarot cards for people as a career at one point and I had no shortage of needs or wants. During this time, I knew my mom had been attending our church where we attend now and I felt God calling me there. I “pulled a Jonah” and ran from the city I was supposed to be in after police officers let me down to the point I had lost faith in law enforcement all around. I didn’t trust them and I felt that I had every right to feel that way. I quit working tarot because the community became corrupt and riddled with so much mental illness that even in my own confusion knew it was truly rampant. So I began working in cannabis…again. It would only be a matter of time before I met a guy, “Jase”. Jase was in the middle of a divorce but wasn’t divorced yet and much like my first husband…once he got what he wanted…he felt invincible in the most toxic of ways. His son was the middle schooler that I was writing about at the start of this blog. I didn’t realize it at the time because of his son’s neurodivergency but his son and I were actually on the same team…we were both terrified of his father. My family even noticed his son’s fear. I kept it together because I felt I had been through far worse but perhaps it’s that mindset that made things worse. I was still seeking answers from God that I never got so I decided to take this to the church my mom was attending. I made an appointment with a pastor (B) and I felt like I wanted the answers I wanted and I was going to debate with him why tarot was bad and what repercussions it had for me. I didn’t understand WHY it was so negative. The pastor said a lot of things that I didn’t understand at the time but as I have grown closer to God…it’s clear because Jesus is The Way, The Truth, and The Life. If it’s not in The Bible, it may be detrimental to your spirit. I longed to be back with God in my search for answers and trying to wrap my brain around my NDE (and even given a new name from God like Simon Peter-I’ll elaborate more on that in Summer) and I was not only being called to but I was being moved to. So I began going to the church my family attended. My mom got my Dad, Aunt and Gram attending regularly. When I began going, I always made sure to include Jase and his son, but I always got excuses as to why they couldn’t or didn’t want to. Little did I know during that time but would later find out that Jase was cheating on me with his wife which I found out from his son and when I asked Jase about it…I was flat out gaslit and called “crazy” despite just wanting to have a constructive conversation and his poor son got his wrath. At that time we had only been living together since March and it was currently June. One Sunday I came home from church and I was excited to share about how great of a time that I had and Jase told me that he didn’t want to hear it and in fact he didn’t want me going to church or being a Christian because “reading tarot is one of the things that he found attractive about me”. The stomach cramps that followed felt as bad as before the GI Bleed to be quite honest. I may be too honest sometimes but I suppose that’s best because I looked directly into his eyes and said, “For someone that says they believe in equal rights, this is contradicting. You just became the most unattractive person to me and I don’t respect your opinion or what you want regarding this.” That fight had the internal rage I was born with in full swing because I ran out the door of our place and slammed it as quickly as I could before leaving. I heard him screaming outside of our sliding glass door but I wasn’t listening because I no longer cared. When I came back he was passive aggressively in bed and I slept in the living room. He didn’t like that I was doing that and the abuse got worse to the point I had to emergency move out. Everything worked out for the best because I made it to the city I was called to be in thanks to my Aunt and Gram and I also ended up making it to the church I was called to be a part of and serve with. I know in my heart…the church that I am at is the reason God called me to this city because during the time my mom began going…I started having prophetic visions about the church, some of which have already come true and there are some that I believe will come to pass. Jesus is with his bride and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s favored for the purpose of God’s kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven. I have been abundantly blessed to be making friends again and to have the church family I have always wanted. I have a great family that loves me and helps me grow. I stepped out of the prison cell last year when I stood up for my faith which backed up my prior baptism with walking the walk and there’s NO turning back…and NO desire to turn back. I have never experienced such love, peace, and joy in this life as I have with Jesus Christ and I will praise His name for all of my days and beyond. I am so blessed beyond measure. Let me tell you friends…I would do anything for Jesus…because I didn’t get this far for nothing and I certainly didn’t get this far without Him…and for that I am…
#Satisfied
