#24 - Top Tear
What a summer it has been already!!!
Hi friends!!! I hope your month+ has been productive and wonderfully made just like you!!!
I have two stories that intersect this time around about how God is always with us and moving for us; we just need to fluidly move along with his calls of obedience with our whole hearts.
Preface: I’ve made it no secret here that after everything that’s happened in my life…it’s hard for me to cry.
When I got sick earlier this year, it definitely wasn’t my fault…a nurse practitioner prescribed me medicine I’m allergic to despite me telling her that I am allergic to it 3 times in the appointment with Jathan by my side who also wasn’t feeling the greatest. Eventually, my ear drum ruptured on Valentine’s Day night before dinner because the wrong medication was prescribed. I was in misery that night as I began bleeding from my ear (and being on blood thinners it was ugly). I toughed it out over night and went to urgent care the next day, and the ER afterwards where I spent a week on IV antibiotics in the hospital. When I got home my equilibrium was all out of sorts, I fell and broke my wrist in two separate places…never broke bones like that my whole life and it’s excruciating. We went to file a malpractice lawsuit…it flunked 3 months into it because the state I live in is notorious for stopping medical malpractice lawsuits from happening. Medical bills are still piling up because it’s a lot and I’m still having evident issues with my wrist (an MRI showed abnormal bone marrow flow and it’s still super swollen and painful) so more bills keep coming...and all of this is occurring as we are trying to save money for our wedding in October. It’s tough but I am blessed to have my job, good insurance, and a partner I love with my whole being.
This last month, there was a day thatI found out about the lawsuit falling through. I was on my way home from work and Jathan was also listening in on the call. By the time I got home the conversation was practically done and I felt deep internal devastation as I was drowning in injustice. After hugging Jathan, I went upstairs where I angry sobbed in the shower to blaring 2000’s screamo music. That was the night I discovered why anger is the second stage in the cycle of grief. I wasn’t okay because there is no denying that this was reality for us…so I had to accept it regardless if I liked it or not.. There was no bargaining to change it. There was no time to be depressed. Just time for a flowing biological rageous reaction to grief over injustices I had absolutely no control over…and never would. I even sobbed in front of Jathan. I cried so much that night that I woke up the next morning with my eyes puffy, scratchy, and blood shot.
Nonetheless I persisted as morning came and I got myself ready for work that morning, read my Bible, and checked in on Facebook where I non-coincidentally came across a clip of Josh Howerton said “God answers this type of prayer EVERY TIME.” I was immediately intrigued, especially after the evening and night before. Josh was saying that the prayer that God answers every time is, “God, what are you trying to reveal to me right now? What are you trying to show me right now? What are you trying to teach me right now?” It made sense. I thought about that video on my way to work and burst into tears, “God…what are you trying to reveal to me right now? What are you trying to show me right now? What are you trying to teach me right now?” The sobbing continued and no different than one person talks to another did I hear Holy Spirit say on behalf of God: “It took a ruptured ear drum, a broken wrist, a hospital stay, and a lawsuit falling through for you to cry to me.” This made me cry more…yet it felt like release after hearing that. It was a teachable moment of God letting me know that it’s okay to cry to Him in a culture that conditions us that, “crying is weakness”, “if you cry you’re a cry baby”, “big girls don’t cry”, and “crying will smear makeup”. I composed myself and got through my work day…somehow…happier than the evening before…thanks be to God.
This is not the end of that story…like a tv infomercial: “but wait…there’s more!”. The night we got the news about the lawsuit, I cried myself to sleep. When I went to bed, little did I know…Jathan was on his hands and knees praying and then I had that experience the next morning. When I told Jathan about the experience that evening, he revealed to me that he was praying on his hands and knees that night. I was in awe.
Shortly after that, I had an audition for the worship team at church (part of the reason this blog is later than the new usual). That week Jathan and I are reading 1 Samuel. The day before my audition, Jathan gave me a single 50 cent piece sized tangibly smooth stone he had found in the driveway because “he just thought it was neat”. It was neat…because the next day…the day of my audition…we read about David defeating Goliath with his 5 smooth stones locked and loaded. Jathan giving me that stone was far more than a coincidence…it’s not like he brings me random stones from places…let alone our driveway. And what are the odds that we happened to land on David vs. Goliath in our reading THAT DAY?! NOT a coincidence…it’s a “Godcidence”. I had studied and practiced, I showed up early with that stone in my scrub pocket reminding me why I was there, I shared about my life with them, shared what God has done for me, and then sang two songs. I was still nervous because truthfully, I don’t long to be on a stage…but God gave me a gift and a calling…so making moves with a willing and humble heart is a must. The audition for me is taking a giant down…the results mattered not. Afterwards, I was told that I have “great potential to be an amazing vocalist” which was a lovely compliment despite the fact I know I need to work on breathwork and it was enough for me. Before the audition ended, I was asked if I had any questions and especially any questions about their code of conduct that is biblically backed up. I did…I asked them if Jathan and I living together was going to be a problem in this audition process. The ladies weren’t sure so they referred me on to one of the worship pastors of the church that requested to meet with us (even kindly enough out of his business hours). The pastor was very kind and said “I believe there’s a place on this team for you.” Again, that was more than enough for me…but not for God…I will be auditioning after Jathan and I are married because as of right now the fact that Jathan I live together is a biblical discrepancy so I honestly understand their position and respect their biblical principals.
The good news is, we have been wedding planning like crazy and things are solid for 10/10!!!
God shows up in everything if you’re willing enough to see Him in it…the big days, the small days, the long days, the short days, the impossible days, the happy days, the angry days, the sad days, the grievous days, the forgetful days, the celebration days, the unforgettable days, the mundane days, the boring days, the routine days, the chaotic days, the exhausting days, the painful days, the healthy days, and the plain days…He is always there with us…trying to show us…”I’m still here.” with his everlasting love, mercy, and grace. Just as the days go…God is with us in our various tears. I know this is old news but different types of tears actually have different molecular structures as seen in this article by The Smithsonian: The Smithsonian: Tears. God knows every tear we cry…he created them that way…it’s okay to cry…but crying is a temporary solution to feelings…staying there isn’t an option. This is where true acceptance comes in. Tears are conceived in the heart; and born from our eyes…just as a crying baby enters this world…it’s healthy biological and emotional communication…and we have molecular patterns to prove that as well for you science fans out there (like me). Expressing vulnerability and authenticity is to efficiently communicate in any part of our ecosystem: spiritually, physically, verbally, emotionally, mindfully. To cry is to be authentically vulnerable from the heart…our emotions. If we are not being authentic or making ourselves vulnerable…we cannot love enough to communicate. God should have our hearts…and like David…we should be after God’s heart…to love someone…is to communicate with them…and we have many ways of being able to do that…if we are willing.
Speaking of prayer, I have also waited a bit for this blog because I am still experiencing some significant health issues. We don’t know a lot right now so I haven’t said much. My wrist not healing properly could be due to something much larger than we know right now. I am being sent to Cleveland Clinic (my doctor supported choice) to see what exactly is going on. I am asking for prayers during this time for health, protection, God’s provision for our TEAM (Time, Energy, Attention, and Money), and to get the answers we need to live a happy and healthy life together forever as God intended us to be partners sharing one flesh in love, unity, and holiness.
Song I’ve been digging lately:
Most High | ELEVATION RHYTHM & Zach Webb
Next blog will be on or before: 8/2/26 (the first Sunday of the month).
For tears, the opportunity to live this life, take down giants, to have a relationship with Jesus, to hear Holy Spirit, to be able to see God in everything, for Godcidences, and the ability to freely cry to my Abba…I am…
#Satisfied
